You’re not what Sarah Palin was talking about. You take on nothing in an aggressive, against-the-grain way. You’re a cross between the white horse that a hero in an old Western movie would ride in on and a poor artist’s rendering of No Heart from the Care Bears. Perhaps you were supposed to be a new-aged Two Face to bridge the gap between Tommy Lee Jones’ interpretation and the gem that Aaron Eckhart put together
Whatever the concept behind your “Black and White” tribute to Michael Jackson, nothing can explain the giant blue conch that you’re listening into. This isn’t Lord of the Flies and you’re not fair-haired Ralph. You’re more like an emo version of Piggy, whose weight has gotten so out of control that it’s starting to test the sturdiness of the block letters below you. They’re bending. You’re weighing them down.
But you don’t care because nobody understands you.
You are Emo Horse.
You sit in your room with your skinny jeans and your ironically conforming black t-shirt. You listen to every Morrissey and Hawthorne Heights album that has ever been burned to disc but nothing stops the pain. You paint your nails black to be unique but when you walk into any mall in America and see dozens of tragic teenagers with the same Clinique black polish above their cuticles, you find yourself wanting to call them posers because only you know true pain.
Dad doesn’t understand you. Is it because you don’t dig Bob Seger or know the difference between a middle relief pitcher and a pain reliever? No. You want to know why he doesn’t understand you? BECAUSE YOU WEAR GUYLINER, YOU FREAK. Snap out of this emo phase of your life, grow a pair and realize that your upper-middle class existence isn’t so bad.
You’re a hideous logo, but that doesn’t mean you have to possess greasy hair swept across your forehead. Pick your head up and quit relishing in your own sorrow. You would embarrass Derek Harper, Rolando Blackman and the old Mavericks “M” that used to sport a cowboy hat.
Zach Harper writes on the NBA for TalkHoops, Hardwood Paroxysm and Cowbell Kingdom. He also can be heard on The Weekly Fix podcast as well as The 8th Seed podcast. You may also know him from such BTPH collaborations as Talking Hoops with TalkHoops and that one epic White Men Can’t Jump quotathon. In his spare time, he occasionally takes a nap.
Emo Horse can’t wait to move out of his parents house and leave the country for Berlin, where, when this all gets sorted out, he and Dirk can get an apartment together.