League Pass Proclamations

The Wizards cannot be serious with a guard rotation of Dee Brown, Nick Young, DeShawn Yayo, Antonio Daniels and Juan Dixon • Caron Butler must be crying himself to sleep every night • Sheed just got a tech…you know what that means • Kevin McHale got booed during starting lineups • Richard Hamilton’s is to the midrange as Miles is to the trumpet • Randy Wittman may have actually been the problem — these TWolves are a little frisky tonight • I was totally not serious about Randy Wittman • The fact that I was watching those two other games and not realizing Cavs/Raps was on really bothers me • Chris Bosh hitting nothing but glass from a straightaway three was the first play I saw • Mo Williams was a great pickup and, yes, I plan to write that every time I do one of these • Minnesota’s court is either horrible or fantastic — I cannot decide • Kevin Love needs a nickname and, until something better comes along, I’m calling him Klove, which is pronounced like clove •

Delonte West in cornrows is a horrible, horrible idea • Joey Graham is either the Jason or Jarron Collins of that family — can’t remember which • Andray Blatche just stole Sheed’s lunch money on a dunk • Rasheed Wallace replied with an impossible, fadaway baseline jumper that dropped in from about 30 feet in the air • Despite the fact that he sounds like a functional retard when he talks, I love me some Nick Young • Klove should not dribble the basketball • Al Jefferson is really, really ugly, but that fact did not prevent him from swatting the shit out of back-to-back Deron Williams lay-up attempts • Rick Carlisle just said about Jose Barea “We’re becoming too reliant on him. We can’t just give him the ball and expect him to do everything.” This seriously happened • Mehmet Okur making an All Star game is going to perplex future generations of NBA fans • Ed Tapscott resembles the blind governor of New York • Richard Hamilton makes love to 16-footers • Gregg Popovich wearing a salmon shirt and rocking a beard is where amazing happens •

The Detroit Pistons are not good and I have no explanation • Andrew Bogut should start a pet store called I Got Worms • Raja Bell is taken for granted • Quentin Richardson just jumped out the goddman building on an alley-oop in Larry Hughes’ grill • Jason Kidd may be overpaid, but he is not the problem in Dallas • Tony Parker is most definitely not the problem in San Antone • Ron Artest sticking off-balance treys spells trouble for the Hawks • The Rockers play-by-play guy just said “Artest has not been very Artestic so far this year” and I think it was an old man joke based on the word “artistic” • Charlie Villanueva drilled a fadeaway trey to end the first quater • Dirk Nowitzki has more arc on his shot than anyone I’ve ever seen play who wasn’t first-and-foremost a soccer player • No matter rain, sleet, snow or hail, David Lee gets boards • The Hawks just took the lead on Houston via a 17-5 run to open the Second Half • I gotta sleep • Sorry, this was horrible •

Known Associates: League Pass Proclamations

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Larry Brown wanting to trade Gerald Wallace is absurd • The Bobcats and the Raptors have essentially the same court with different colors and words printed on the floor • Sean May is still fat • Hedo is still ugly, should shave • Emeka Okafor just completely validated his Rookie of the Year award by swatting the piss out of Superman • Raymond Felton is the Webster’s definition of average • Nazr Mohammed can rebound while sitting down • Nate Robinson made the dish of the night on a ridiculous, no-look drop-pass under the hoop to David Lee that came while he was levitating at the peak of his 60-inch vertical and went behind some other dude’s back • Brandon Jacobs, RB of the New York Giants, is sitting courtside at the Knicks game and should suit up to become a new-age Anthony Mason, right down to the writing stupid shit in his hair thing. (Unrelatedly, I’ve gotten my hair cut in the barbershop Mase frequents. It was awesome.) •

I know where Brandon Jacobs should get his hair cut. (Photo: Manny Millan)

Trading David Lee for Al Harrington might be the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard • Larry Brown can’t be happy that Rashard Lewis just drilled an unguarded three because Jared Dudley left him to double-team Anthony Johnson in the post • Dwight Howard calls Anthony Johnson “Little-Neck Johnson” • Adam Morrison trying to defend the pick-and-roll is comical • Mardy Collins cannot be a fan of the insanely loud, mic’d up rims in MSG • Jared Dudley used to yell at the sky and wave his arms all over the place every time he scored at Boston College — he should start doing that again • Brandon Bass is brolic • Emeka Okafor’s favorite artist is Lil Wayne and his heroes are his parents • Quentin Richardson just had a sick reverse dunk, which is notable cause I didn’t know he could still dunk, and then he did the double-fist-bump to the dome thing, which is notable because I wasn’t aware this was 2002 • Adam Morrison has a sweet farmer’s tan •

Adam has been farming. (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

Dirk Nowitzki and Erick Dampier both jumped for an offensive board that Dirk clearly tipped in, but Erick put his finger up and left it there for an extended period of time to urge the scorekeeper into giving him the bucket • Sebastian Telfair is in the best shape of his life • Rick Carlisle should get his own bio-pic so that Jim Carrey can win an Oscar • You know you shouldn’t be watching a game when the announcers say “Adam Morrison is the lone guy who has been able to dominate the Magic tonight” • The Knicks are going to win 40 games • Kwame Brown cannot guard Shaq • It’s past time for Mike Miller to cut his hair. • The Knicks went on a 0-15 run right after I wrote the 40-game thing and let Dallas force overtime • Then Dirk Nowitzki stole overtime • Flopping is a full-fledged cancer that needs to be treated by the rules committee •

You are a disease. (Photo: NBA.com)

Amare Stoudamire is rocking a fantastic mohawk • Grant Hill looks like he’s 25 again • Louis Amundson and Goran Dragic need to join forces for a Rob & Big-style reality series • Shaquille O’Neal will never be referred to as “The Big Cactus” on this website (okay, never again) • The Big Cactus is stealing Sheed’s lunch money • The Nuggets are now dull • Shaq is stealing Kwame’s lunch money • The Suns have a stunning collection of players no one has ever heard of in their rotation • Al Jefferson has many post-moves • Rodney Stuckey just got knocked out the damn sky on a lay-up attempt by a flying out-out-of-nowhere Diesel • Shaquille O’Neal got tossed for that • The Suns fans are out for blood after the Shaq ejection and now a dubious offensive foul on Robin Lopez, whose hair is remarkably retarded tonight •

And the sign said "Long-Haired Freaky Frank Stallone Siblings Need Not Apply" (Photo by Andrew D. Bernstein/NBAE via Getty Images)

Rodney Stuckey is the Sports Illustrated for Kids version of Dwyane Wade • Kevin Ollie is the only 12-year NBA veteran that I have never seen score a single basket • OJ Mayo sure would have made the perfect inside/outside partner with Al Jefferson for the next decade, but TWolves fans will undoubtedly appreciate Eduardo Najera 2.0 just as much • Tim Duncan is currently playing with Matt Bonner, Jacque Vaughn, Michael Finley and some dude named George Hill • Gavin Prout and one other member of the Colorado Mammoth “professional” lacrosse team were just interviewed by a sideline reporter and would probably not be as successful in the NBA as Brandon Jacobs • Nene wears a single one-inch-in-diameter, gold hoop earring in his left ear during his off-court life, in which he presumably sails the high seas looting and pillaging •

Nene would gladly wear a puffy shirt. (Garrett Ellwood/NBAE/Getty Images)

“Jenn” the Kings Dance Team Captain has definitely taken off her clothes to music for money • Jacque Vaughn and Tony Parker still haven’t switched names yet for some reason • Tim Duncan is “as fundamental as the alphabet” according to the Sacramento announcers • Amare is completely unstoppable • JR Smith has to be the most heavily tattooed player in the League • Chauncey Billups was surprisingly and oh-so-cleverly called Mr. Big Shot after drilling a three to put the Nuggets up by four with 40 seconds left • Minnesota’s coach looks like a high school principal • Quincy Douby needs to eat a cheeseburger or twelve • Mr. Big Shot just missed a free throw with a bunch of cotton stuffed up his nose • Beno Udrih, according to the Sacramento announcers, is “doing his Steve Nash interpretation there…Ring around the rosy…Round and round he goes where he stops know one knows…I’m getting dizzy” • That just ended my night •

Randy Wittman is cracking skulls.

Known Associates: League Pass Proclamations

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