Flight of the Conchords

Much like AIDS, it’s pretty safe to assume that just about everyone is anti-Von Wafer. Essentially, you don’t see a lot of people walking around with the word “Wafer” on the back of their Rockets jersey and every time I’m watching a Houston game with a non-NBA diehard and they see Mr. Wafer, the general response is “Who’s the dbag with the mohawk?”

On the other hand, he is a surprisingly decent NBA player who somehow makes an unusual number of out-of-nowhere big plays. He’s sort of like a boring, poor-man’s version of JR Smith without all the tattoos.

Most relevantly, his real name isn’t even Von. It’s actually Vakeaton Quamar Wafer, which is amazing, yet for some reason he has decided to go by Von. And goathair of The Blowtorch has had enough.

This Von Wafer situation is really busting my beans. I couldn’t even enjoy my nightly watching of A Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore. It’s really bugging me that we’re letting Von Wafer’s transgressions go unchecked. Someone needs to speak truth to Wafer.

Throwing out his last name, because he can’t help it, let’s realize that there is actually somebody in 21st century America who has CHOSEN the name Von. This isn’t 16th century Germany, nor is it a 1980s video game about boxing.

And yeah, he CHOSE that name. I cannot stress this enough, which is why I’m capitalizing it every time I mention it. Von was given the name Vakeaton Quamar, which as far as I can tell means “Squatting Dog,” but is also a pretty great name in a 60s activist kind of way. But upon being gifted with that wonderful name, this guy CHOSE “Von.” There is no conceivable series of events that I can imagine picking that name. It doesn’t really relate to Vakeaton that much, and it makes him sound like a tyrant.

Also, get a haircut. And bring Big Baby with you.