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Diesel

Shaq & Kobe Get a Portrait Taken at JC Penney

by Jared Wade on February 3, 2010 at 12:36 am

This photo would make more sense on Awkward Family Photos than in Sports Illustrated’s “Rare Photos of Kobe” feature. (h/t @jeskeets)

This one, this one, this one and this one are also particularly awkward/comical.

shaq kobe

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Conan O’Brien at the 1995 All-Star Game

by Jared Wade on January 24, 2010 at 1:17 am

Did you hear about this Conan guy? Apparently he’s a big deal. In just like seven months he went from pretty funny guy who hosted a show that was on past my bedtime to guy who hosted a show for old people to guy who is such a sympathetic figure for being jobbed over by his bosses that he inspired a bunch of grown men to call another grown man “CoCo.”

C’est la vie.

The whole mess was such a sad display of “crap wins” and “actual funny isn’t actually funny to very many people” that it’s pretty depressing. But the outpouring of support for Conan does at least go to show that there ultimately are a lot of people who do actually enjoy stuff that doesn’t only cater to the mainstream. So that’s cool.

More importantly, here’s some video of Conan back when he was really underground-ish-er back in 1995. He visits the All-Star Weekend going on in Phoenix and chats it up with Dikembe, Shaq, thin Barkley, awkward Scottie Pippen, looks-exactly-the-same-in-2010 John Stockton and David Robinson, who explains that he got nicknamed the Admiral because — and he’s not sure why — people didn’t want to call him “seaman.”

Seriously. He says that. (video via NBA Offseason)

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C’mon, Boobie Gibson, Shaq & NJ. Get the…

by Jared Wade on December 4, 2009 at 4:43 pm

New C’Mon Son! today.

And, somehow, I missed #7, which also dropped sometime since Thanksgiving and TigerGate. Both are below, and both are heavy on everyone’s favorite allegedly adulterous golfer as well as — fortunately for those of us who run NBA blogs and want to share Ed Lover’s greatness with the world — the National Basketball Association.

Boobie, Diesel and the winless Nets all made the cut. Congrats guys.

Now getthefuckouttaherewithdatbullshit.

(Language NSFW and hat tip to @marcel_mutoni)

C’mon Son! #8

C’mon Son! #7

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The Art of a Beautiful Game Chris BallardChris Ballard’s The Art of a Beautiful Game represents the art of beautiful sportswriting.

It’s one of the better basketball books I have ever read, and part of its allure is that it is broken down into compartmentalized, stand-alone chapters, each of which details a different aspect of the game. No matter who you are, at least three or four of them will be compelling to you.

Some readers will be struck by the opening piece on “Killer Instinct” that psychoanalyzes Kobe Bryant. Others will no doubt love the anatomical breakdown of LeBron that catalogs the reasons why his alien-like exoskeleton and other physical gifts make 66% of NBA players think he is the most athletic player in the League. And perhaps up to a billion others will love the chapter on Yao, Shaq and the other “superbigs” who have graced the association.

The “thinking fan’s tour,” however, lies more so in some of the other chapters that may lack some of the name-brand caché provided by the Black Mamba and The King. I, for instance, grew up as a three-point specialist who patterned my game around Reggie Miller, so I was immediately drawn in by the chapter about the “Pure Shooter,” which features Ballard — a former D-3 college player and, by the sound of it, quite the shooter himself — squaring off in a three-point shootout with Steve Kerr. As Ballard explains, Kerr may still look like a 15-year-old paperboy (my words, not his), but he is in fact getting up there in years and rarely plays hoops anymore. And after such a long lay-off from competition — and pretty much, from even shooting around altogether — even Kerr is’t sure how many threes he can hit on the afternoon him and Ballard get together. But as we soon learn, a shooter is a shooter is a shooter is a shooter, and Kerr holds his own against the unexpectedly accurate journalist.

Even more cerebral than outlining the theory behind the difference between a pure shooter and a very good shooter is the chapter on defensive specialists. The shut-down defender profile centers on Shane Battier, a man who has become very famous around the internet hoops community ever since Moneyball author Micheal Lewis wrote this New York Times Magazine cover story on him. Like Kevin Youkilis was to Major League Baseball before him, Battier has become the poster child of a new breed of advanced statistical revolution in the NBA. Certain basketball analysts, scouts and even GMs have begun to advocate a new method of thinking about the game that prioritizes using every possession efficiently. In layman’s terms, this means shooting a high percentage, not turning the ball over, getting to the line and, if all that still doesn’t allow your team to make a shot, getting some offensive rebounds. This train of thought places a distinct value on each possession and judges teams — and players — by looking at “success per possession” more so than the traditional barometer of “points tallied.”

No executive has embraced this concept like the Rockets GM Daryl Morey. And no player has embraced it more than Shane Battier. Sure, all NBA insiders are now aware of the fact that (a) the layup, (b) the free-throw, and (c) the corner three-pointer are the “most efficient” ways to score in the NBA. But the degree to which guys like Battier have expanded the concept of making the offensive player do what they do worst the most makes for fascinating reading. Like Michael Lewis before him, Ballard gets exclusive access to the Rockets’ operations and the insights he learns and shares with readers while essentially job-shadowing Shane on back-to-back games where he guards Brandon Roy and LeBron James are alone worth the price of the book. (There’s about 20 minutes of conversation on this stuff in a podcast I did with Ballard earlier this week.)

There is much more, however, including two fine chapters that delve into the intricacies of rebounding and shotblocking. And while all this stuff is great, ultimately, the book’s real accomplishment is its ability to combine these interesting, nuanced takes on parts of the games that remain too-often overlooked in favor of free agent talk and moral finger-pointing with what can only be described as damn fine writing.

As much as I enjoyed reading insider perspectives of NBA athletes and coaches, my favorite aspect of the book was simply the way the stories were told and Ballard’s ability to flip words. As a writer myself, I often found myself being more impressed than simply informed or entertained — although I was certainly both of those things as well.

So with the hopes that I’m not overextending the fair-use provision of a book review, I’ll just end this thing now with my favorite eight passages from the book rather than trying to weave them into an extended, more ambitious book review that would, ironically, probably just illustrate — glaringly — my inability to write about sports as well.

And really, the excerpts below are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to good writing — let alone great, throwaway anecdotes and thought-provoking, stellar chapters about some of the sport’s most fundamental aspects. (Cop it here on on Amazon.)

  • “I can spend an hour talking to someone at a dinner party and never make the kind of real, true connection that comes from running one seamless give-and-go with a stranger during a pickup game.”
  • “When [Ben Wallace] did jump, he had a tendency to do so with arms and legs at 45-degree angles, like an Afro-bedecked version of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.”
  • “I asked [LeBron] James what he thought it would feel like when he could no longer jam. He talked about watching his sons grow up, then made a joke and finally said, “Maybe that will happen one day,” as if he might ward off aging like it was just another weak double team.”
  • “To talk to Barbosa is to receive the equivalent of a Steve Nash infomercial.”
  • “After a pregame team meeting, Battier is back on the court for layup lines. While other players practice crowd-pleasing dunks, joke around and chat with players on the other team, Battier runs his layups with precision, claps his hands and, inside, quietly dies. This, he says, is by far his least favorite part of the night.”
  • “To watch [Yao] shoot is to see the motion at it’s most refined. He keeps the ball high and releases it with his right hand in a short flicking motion, as if playing Pop-a-Shot. He does not jump and barely even moves his legs. His form is entirely replicable, almost robotic. By contrast, when [Rafer] Alston begins shooting jumpers 15 minutes later, his form is an intricate series of bodily tics and jerks. He takes the ball from the floor and whips it to his shoulder, then splays his elbow forward, leaping and catapulting the ball. It does not look as is Alston is even engaged in the same activity.”
  • “Afterward, the two men headed in opposite directions: Michael Jordan into the air to celebrate and Ehlo to the floor, where he covered his face, as if he’d been teargassed.”
  • “Those who excel at foul-free shot-blocking achieve it in different ways. Mourning and Mutombo waited near the rim, like human gargoyles; Okafor uses lateral quickness and anticipation; Andrei Kirlenko, the spider-armed Utah sixth man, prefers to come from behind the shooter after hiding “in the shadow of my teammate,” as he puts it. And [Dwight] Howard, well, he has the advantage of not being human.”

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Shaq Has Poor Cannonball Form

by Jared Wade on September 16, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Here’s Shaq jumping off a diving board. There’s not a lot more to it than that. (via Ball Don’t Lie)

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10 NBA People Who Need To Get on Twitter

by Jared Wade on November 25, 2008 at 1:45 am

As everybody knows by now, Shaq is on Twitter. And he loves it. The dude updates constantly, even dropping this tweet just a few hours before last week’s game against the Lakers:

THE_REAL_SHAQ Sittin next to steve nash, tryna get him to join twitter

Unfortunately, despite the novelty of Diesel putting an end to the “impostor Shaq” who had been duping some gullible people for weeks by pretending to be the big fella on the social networking site, the actual content of his “tweets” hasn’t been nearly as amazing as one would expect. There are a few nuggets of greatness here and there, but mostly it’s just meh.

But it’s his desire to bring Steve Nash on-board that got my attention. Nash, of course, would likely be incredibly boring to follow and constantly be saying things like “CANADIAN_BACON Remember to recycle” or “CANADIAN_BACON Terry Porter and I have philosophical differences about basketball but he’s a swell fellow.”

But there are a whole host of other NBA folk who could be simply spectacular.

These are my top ten.

Let’s get after it.

Shaq loves his Twitter and here he is with his Twitter BFF PhoenixSunsGirl. (Photo: PhoenixSunsGirl)

Shaq loves his Twitter and here he is with his Twitter BFF PhoenixSunsGirl. (Photo: PhoenixSunsGirl)

10. Marco Jaric

Untethered and constant communication from Marco could serve as an inspiration to millions and reinforce the fading global concept of the American Dream.

MJ2 On yacht with Adriana

MJ2 Game against Kobe then drinks at SkyBar with A, Heidi, Marisa and Double R-Stamos

MJ2 Vlady borrowed the Bentley so I’m driving A to her photo shoot in the Lambo

MJ2 Headed to PHX for a game and then Vegas with Leaaaaaaandro

MJ2 @VladRad You meeting us in LV? Got my whip?

MJ2 Judging a Vicki Secret pillow fight at Heff’s

MJ2 All-Star Weekend!!! PHX for them — St. Tropez for me
.

9. Donald Sterling

I need to know what this guy is up to at all times.

8. The Van Gundies & El Lopezi (four-way tie)

All @replies, all day, every day.

BLo @RLo ur hare iz retrdad

RLo @BLo nuh uh

SVG @JVG I’ve never seen Rashard block a shot. Not in practice. Not at the NBA Cares elementary school game he played in

BLo @RLo is to, lulz

RLo @BLo is not

JVG @SVG Please. Compared to Allan Houston, Rashard is Scottie Pippen

BLo @RLo yessirz

THE_REAL_SHAQ @BLo Lay off mi amigo or The Big Assassin will kil ur girlfriend. lol. serious though, ill strangle her with a XBox controller cord

BLo @THE_REAL_SHAQ U better not . Minny Mouse is my everyting

SVG @JVG Dwight is RFLAO about Allan Houston

JVG @SVG I have no idea what that means but Mom says you look like an asshole in that mockneck/Abboud outfit. Grow up and put on a shirt and tie.

RLo @THE_REAL_SHAQ YEA SHAQ. Me, you, raja and biggity barnes should chalenge Brook, J boone, e & vince to a Survivor Series tag team match. that would be awesome we wood totaly win

THE_REAL_SHAQ @RLo calm down young’n

7. Vince Carter

This one comes with the caveat that that he doesn’t tell us what he’s doing, but only posts ten-times daily links to his favorite websites, LOLCATS and I Can Has Cheezburger.

6. Masha Lopatova (Andrei Kirilenko’s wife)

Given her “you can bang some other chick once a year” policy, I imagine she’s got a fairly single-track agenda.

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

5. Kevin Durant

Presumably, no one reading this has ever been to Oklahoma City. And since Kevin is one of twelve black people who have ever lived there according to census data I just made up, it would be an interesting sociological experiment to see what kinds of things he’s up to — especially when you factor in the mounting frustrations of a potential Hall of Famer whose talent is being squandered by the worst team in the League.

Durantula35 Won our home opener. Big start in OKC. Go Thunder.

Durantula35 Taking a date to Cheesecake Factory. Love that place! That Chicken Marsala is off the hook.

Durantula35 Tough loss. Russell and Jeff are playing better though. We’re coming together.

Durantula35 Wanted to go to Champs to buy a GP throwback tonight. But it closed at 7:30.

Durantula35 I’m still playing SG.

Durantula35 Cheesecake Factory.

Durantula35 Another home loss. Ugly game. We got booed.

THE_CHOSEN_ONE @Durantula35 Keep ya head up, Young Money

Durantula35 Chicken Marsala again.

Durantula35 Just heard back from Josh Childress. Says Greece is nice.

Durantula35 Ten-game skid. Urgh

Durantula35 cheesecake factory to celebrate PJ getting fired. nice.

Oden3000 @Durantula35 was hoping to see you in PHX for ASG. Maybe next year, homie.

Durantula35 new coach…still playing SG

Durantula35 lost to sacto at home…again

Durantula35 got dropped from nike. :(

Durantula35 chicken marsala

Durantula35 new coach is a dick…choked him during shootaround. whoops

Durantula35 just heard from Stern. one-year suspension.

Durantula35 bored. broke. robbed a liquor store. shot a korean.

Durantula35 final sentencing: attempt murder, 62 months minus time served

Durantula35 tossed some Colombian dude’s salad for a length of rope :(

Durantula35 Brooks Was Here. So Was Redd. Durantula Too. Bye World.

(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Image

4. Etan Thomas

I don’t know what a slam-haiku sounds like but I want to. Sixteen times a day.

(Photo: Politics and Prose Bookstore)

3. Susha Vujacic

We could pretty much bank on a more sophisticated display of his normal 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0 programming syntax.

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

2. Latrell Sprewell

Latrell joining Twitter would allow the world precious daily reminders such as:

Spree8 Only 37 hours left on that 56″ Plasma eBay auction. Never Watched! Don’t SLEEP!! http://tinyurl/635vc8

Spree8 Northfaces, son. NORTHFACES. Black, blue, cream, puffy, goretex, I got it all. Check the Craigslist http://tinyurl/65t9g7

Spree8 I’ll wax your car. Holla.

1. Ron Artest

What? Did you actually expect someone else?

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