Tag Archives: Daniel Tosh

The Top Twenty-Five NBA-Related Things That You Really Should Check Out Regardless Of The Fact That I Am More Qualified To Eat a KFC Famous Bowl Than I Am To Run A Worthwhile Blog About The Association

Normally, I respect your precious time way too much to just dump a bunch of links to the least-worst crap I happened to find during the day so that I can pretend that I did something productive. If I can’t find the time to include at least some poor attempt at personal insight or mediocre comedy along with a mention of the notable thing I came across, then what exactly is my purpose here anyway? It’s easy, lazy, boring and, worst of all, unoriginal.

But with this Finals looking like it could possibly be over by Friday morning early next week, we really are beginning to run out of time before the summer NBA fan hibernation turns this place into even more of a barren wasteland than usual. And I would be remiss if I never got around to sharing a few of the particularly dope things that have transpired of late. (Plus, I have two other “important things” I really need to devote some time to if I want to get them up before the Finals end.)

So with the full admission that I’m failure of epic proportions who is now parroting the format of other people, I present you with the following list of “The Top Twenty-Five NBA-Related Things That You Really Should Check Out Regardless Of The Fact That I Am More Qualified To Eat a KFC Famous Bowl Than I Am To Run A Worthwhile Blog About The Association.”

Obviously, a lot of the stuff on the other end of these links are long-form articles or podcasts, so there is no way you can absorb it all in one sitting. But most of the more time-consuming stuff is not only worth coming back to when you have more time but will also still be just as relevant a month from now as it is today.

  1. Bill Simmons did two great NBA podcasts of late. Listen to them both. Here’s the one with Mark Cuban from forever ago (although it’s not really about the Playoffs so it has a long shelf life) and the one with Jerry West from last week. As inconsistent as Sports Guy’s writing has become in recent years, he has been pretty good when it comes to hoops during these Playoffs and I fully expect his upcoming, 720-page Book of Basketball to be a classic.
  2. Stan Van Gundy articulates the rationale behind some of his coaching decisions.
  3. Learn how you can “Dress Like an NBA Finals Participant.” (If you like this, you should also eagerly anticipate one of the two aforementioned “important things” I’m trying to finish up this week.)
  4. I don’t like to cast aspersions on a guy but Clippers owner Donald Sterling is a giant scumbag.
  5. Rik Smits is punk rock.
  6. The tragic story of  how Trevor Ariza’s brother Tajh died by falling out of a hotel window.
  7. Grant Hill sells out his teammate Amare on Jimmy Kimmel’s NBA version The Dating Game. (Amare really should have followed that up by saying “Tamia.”)
  8. “FreeDarko Presents the Disciples of Clyde NBA Podcast” features the usual suspects plus JE Skeets of Ball Don’t Lie as they get meta about themselves as NBA writers while also rapping philosophically and spiting whimsically about the Association at large.
  9. Jack Nicholson disagrees with an official. (Also, he once posed for this.)
  10. The inimitable Kevin Pelton talks pick-and-rolls.
  11. Steve Nash will be reporting from Game 3 as the official Late Show with David Letterman correspondent. The segment will be on the show Wednesday night.
  12. Here’s one you should click on because I’m a huge Marcin Gortat fan and I want you to know what I’m talking about after I start referring to him solely as “The Big White Guy With The Jordan Tattoo.”
  13. ESPN The Mag’s in-depth feature on Chauncey Billups.
  14. NBA Team Name Jeopardy with Bethlehem Shoals. It’s a little harder than it should be. (While I’m being derivative, I should probably rip off this idea some day and do something longer form with it. Then again, I’m lazy and currently doing a Top 25 list of random crap…so who am I kidding? Remember this failure of over-ambition? I still pledge to re-visit this further someday, however. Though this “season preview” certainly died on the vine without another mention pretty much before it ever even started. Musta been whiskey binge week again.)
  15. Kenny Smith relives his glory days in the O-Rena.
  16. Wait? Is Vitamin Water mocking itself here?
  17. Dr. Jack Ramsey shows SVG how to draw up a real last-second lob play.
  18. Meanwhile, Stan Van Gundy wishes he had more players who were more highly skilled like those developed in Europe. Also, he looks like an ordinary guy.
  19. Lakers Origins: The Kareem Jacket
  20. AK-47 is on a jet-ski. Next to a pig. A spider pig? Impossible to say.
  21. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the boondocks and didn’t actually realize that local TV ads everywhere else are equally bad, but they are one of my favorite things ever. Thus, The Top 22 Pistons Commercials.
  22. Normally, I don’t really direct you towards college/draft-related stuff, but Holly MacKenzie sorta kilt it with her piece on Syracuse guard Johnny Flynn. (And here’s a more light-hearted Draft piece from FreeDarko.)
  23. You can never go wrong with the Ron Artest video blog. #17 is particularly great.
  24. Bill Bradley reviews Bill Russell’s book.
  25. Lastly, I always enjoy it when something from real life takes a slight detour into NBA-land so that I can mention it even though it’s barely relevant to anything I should be talking about on Both Teams Played Hard. And the first episode of Tosh 2.0 fortunately qualifies. See, I have been a huge Daniel Tosh fan since back when it was underground and he’s unquestionably in the inner sanctum of my favorite comics along with folks like Doug Stanhope, David Cross, Carlin, Mitch Hedberg and Lewis Black. Plus, I quote the dude fairly regularly around these parts and it would probably help out the accessibility of this site if more than like six of yall knew what the hell I was talking about in such instances. So it is great pleasure that I point out an off-hand LeBron mention in this Web Redemption: Afro Ninja piece and the Shaq reference he drops here. (You should also watch the entirely non-NBA-related intro segment as well.) Finally, he also did this joke on his CD “True Stories I Made Up,” which also has a pretty good rape-related line about Kobe as well.

daniel-tosh

“It’s about time this douchebag linked to something I’m doing since he’s been stealing my jokes for years.”

Danny Granger Invented Puppies

As Danny Granger’s continued assault on reason grows more intense by the day (per-game averages of 33.3 points, 5.0 boards, 4.2 assists, 1.7 steals and 1.7 blocks through eight January games), more and more people are trying to figure out just exactly who this guy is and how good he can become.

Given that I’m a Pacers fan who has been watching him for the past three-plus years, I figured I would help shed some light.

Here are 25 Things That You Probably Didn’t Know About Danny Granger:

  1. Danny Granger invented puppies.
  2. Danny Granger perspires sunshine.
  3. Danny Granger’s laughter won the Nobel Prize for Economics.
  4. Danny Granger fucked with the Wu-Tang Clan.
  5. Danny Granger discovered bacon
  6. Danny Granger knows why black people love menthols.
  7. Danny Granger’s mother is a unicorn.
  8. Danny Granger sleeps in a tuxedo.
  9. Danny Granger’s favorite food is kindness.
  10. Danny Granger was Gandhi’s idol.
  11. Danny Granger knit the Shroud of Turin.
  12. Danny Granger’s poetry eradicated small pox.
  13. Danny Granger’s suggested retail price is virtue.
  14. Danny Granger directed Casablanca.
  15. Danny Granger has never used an exclamation point
  16. Danny Granger’s empathy created the Himalayas.
  17. Danny Granger chews enriched-uranium gum.
  18. Danny Granger orchestrated the Invasion of Normandy.
  19. Danny Granger’s equilibrium is crescendo.
  20. Danny Granger speaks only in pluperfect.
  21. Danny Granger is indigenous to the Costa Rican rainforest.
  22. Danny Granger’s car runs on wisdom.
  23. Danny Granger uses a controlled burn to shave.
  24. Danny Granger’s tonsils excrete gummy bears.
  25. Danny Granger’s first kiss ended the Cold War.

Let me know if I missed anything.

A dozen doves are released whenever Danny Granger enters a room. (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)
A dozen doves are released whenever Danny Granger enters a room. (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

10 NBA People Who Need To Get on Twitter

As everybody knows by now, Shaq is on Twitter. And he loves it. The dude updates constantly, even dropping this tweet just a few hours before last week’s game against the Lakers:

THE_REAL_SHAQ Sittin next to steve nash, tryna get him to join twitter

Unfortunately, despite the novelty of Diesel putting an end to the “impostor Shaq” who had been duping some gullible people for weeks by pretending to be the big fella on the social networking site, the actual content of his “tweets” hasn’t been nearly as amazing as one would expect. There are a few nuggets of greatness here and there, but mostly it’s just meh.

But it’s his desire to bring Steve Nash on-board that got my attention. Nash, of course, would likely be incredibly boring to follow and constantly be saying things like “CANADIAN_BACON Remember to recycle” or “CANADIAN_BACON Terry Porter and I have philosophical differences about basketball but he’s a swell fellow.”

But there are a whole host of other NBA folk who could be simply spectacular.

These are my top ten.

Let’s get after it.

Shaq loves his Twitter and here he is with his Twitter BFF PhoenixSunsGirl. (Photo: PhoenixSunsGirl)
Shaq loves his Twitter and here he is with his Twitter BFF PhoenixSunsGirl. (Photo: PhoenixSunsGirl)

10. Marco Jaric

Untethered and constant communication from Marco could serve as an inspiration to millions and reinforce the fading global concept of the American Dream.

MJ2 On yacht with Adriana

MJ2 Game against Kobe then drinks at SkyBar with A, Heidi, Marisa and Double R-Stamos

MJ2 Vlady borrowed the Bentley so I’m driving A to her photo shoot in the Lambo

MJ2 Headed to PHX for a game and then Vegas with Leaaaaaaandro

MJ2 @VladRad You meeting us in LV? Got my whip?

MJ2 Judging a Vicki Secret pillow fight at Heff’s

MJ2 All-Star Weekend!!! PHX for them — St. Tropez for me
.

9. Donald Sterling

I need to know what this guy is up to at all times.

8. The Van Gundies & El Lopezi (four-way tie)

All @replies, all day, every day.

BLo @RLo ur hare iz retrdad

RLo @BLo nuh uh

SVG @JVG I’ve never seen Rashard block a shot. Not in practice. Not at the NBA Cares elementary school game he played in

BLo @RLo is to, lulz

RLo @BLo is not

JVG @SVG Please. Compared to Allan Houston, Rashard is Scottie Pippen

BLo @RLo yessirz

THE_REAL_SHAQ @BLo Lay off mi amigo or The Big Assassin will kil ur girlfriend. lol. serious though, ill strangle her with a XBox controller cord

BLo @THE_REAL_SHAQ U better not . Minny Mouse is my everyting

SVG @JVG Dwight is RFLAO about Allan Houston

JVG @SVG I have no idea what that means but Mom says you look like an asshole in that mockneck/Abboud outfit. Grow up and put on a shirt and tie.

RLo @THE_REAL_SHAQ YEA SHAQ. Me, you, raja and biggity barnes should chalenge Brook, J boone, e & vince to a Survivor Series tag team match. that would be awesome we wood totaly win

THE_REAL_SHAQ @RLo calm down young’n

7. Vince Carter

This one comes with the caveat that that he doesn’t tell us what he’s doing, but only posts ten-times daily links to his favorite websites, LOLCATS and I Can Has Cheezburger.

6. Masha Lopatova (Andrei Kirilenko’s wife)

Given her “you can bang some other chick once a year” policy, I imagine she’s got a fairly single-track agenda.

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

AK47_BOO @AK47 u comin home tonite?

5. Kevin Durant

Presumably, no one reading this has ever been to Oklahoma City. And since Kevin is one of twelve black people who have ever lived there according to census data I just made up, it would be an interesting sociological experiment to see what kinds of things he’s up to — especially when you factor in the mounting frustrations of a potential Hall of Famer whose talent is being squandered by the worst team in the League.

Durantula35 Won our home opener. Big start in OKC. Go Thunder.

Durantula35 Taking a date to Cheesecake Factory. Love that place! That Chicken Marsala is off the hook.

Durantula35 Tough loss. Russell and Jeff are playing better though. We’re coming together.

Durantula35 Wanted to go to Champs to buy a GP throwback tonight. But it closed at 7:30.

Durantula35 I’m still playing SG.

Durantula35 Cheesecake Factory.

Durantula35 Another home loss. Ugly game. We got booed.

THE_CHOSEN_ONE @Durantula35 Keep ya head up, Young Money

Durantula35 Chicken Marsala again.

Durantula35 Just heard back from Josh Childress. Says Greece is nice.

Durantula35 Ten-game skid. Urgh

Durantula35 cheesecake factory to celebrate PJ getting fired. nice.

Oden3000 @Durantula35 was hoping to see you in PHX for ASG. Maybe next year, homie.

Durantula35 new coach…still playing SG

Durantula35 lost to sacto at home…again

Durantula35 got dropped from nike. :(

Durantula35 chicken marsala

Durantula35 new coach is a dick…choked him during shootaround. whoops

Durantula35 just heard from Stern. one-year suspension.

Durantula35 bored. broke. robbed a liquor store. shot a korean.

Durantula35 final sentencing: attempt murder, 62 months minus time served

Durantula35 tossed some Colombian dude’s salad for a length of rope :(

Durantula35 Brooks Was Here. So Was Redd. Durantula Too. Bye World.

(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)
(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Image

4. Etan Thomas

I don’t know what a slam-haiku sounds like but I want to. Sixteen times a day.

(Photo: Politics and Prose Bookstore)

3. Susha Vujacic

We could pretty much bank on a more sophisticated display of his normal 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0 programming syntax.

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

The_Machine Camp

The_Machine Shoot

2. Latrell Sprewell

Latrell joining Twitter would allow the world precious daily reminders such as:

Spree8 Only 37 hours left on that 56″ Plasma eBay auction. Never Watched! Don’t SLEEP!! http://tinyurl/635vc8

Spree8 Northfaces, son. NORTHFACES. Black, blue, cream, puffy, goretex, I got it all. Check the Craigslist http://tinyurl/65t9g7

Spree8 I’ll wax your car. Holla.

1. Ron Artest

What? Did you actually expect someone else?

Dana Barros Wants To Start Talking About Fat, Multiracial Midgets in a Sweaty Bathtub

There really is little better in life than hearing such Confucian wisdom from a former NBA tweener with a girl’s name who hadn’t even entered your stream of consciousness in a half-dozen years. Presumably, you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Don’t worry, baby birds, I’ll feed ya.

And here’s the Dana Barros transcript for those of yall too lazy to sit through a two-minute Semi-Pro trailer:

“When you start talking about bringing people together in a sweaty bathtub — black/white, big/tall, skinny/fat, midget/giant — bringing ’em together in a sweaty bathtub…how much more together can you get than that?”

It’s hard to nitpick with such unadulterated greatness, but given the presence of so many former Celtics and broadcast booth mate “Tommy Point!” Heinsohn, would it really have been that difficult to dig up Bob Cousy solely so we could hear him pronounce Dana’s last name?

And, I’m not a professional movie critic, but I’m pretty sure a Dino Radja sighting would have clinched that Academy Award. Amateurs.

bob_cousy1.jpg