James Harden may have taken Baron’s title as King of the NBA Beard, but he will never top that.

On Sunday, he did try, however. And while he came up short, James Harden basically stole the soul of JJ Hickson — even nailing the post-dunk reaction as you can see below.

For this, Mr. Harden is honored with a Great Moment in Facial Hair History.

“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless — boys and women — and I am neither one.” – traditional Greek saying

Perhaps most interestingly — and I use that word rather liberally here — Shaq said something about it. This whole “debate” really is silly, but Diesel quotes are always a good time so here goes.

“I’m anxious to see if he’s going to do the powder thing…. I’m anxious to see him do the powder s—. We have bets he won’t do it.”

Better still was an unprovoked shot at the Foot Locker employee formerly known as Lew Alcindor that this prompted from C-Webb.

“He better toss the powder. Did Jordan wag the tongue? Did Magic Johnson smile? Did Kareem just look at you and not say nothing?”

And obviously the best thing to come out of this is the below Photoshop from NBA Offseason.

Still, no matter how bad the basketball is, all is not for naught. The occasion spurred Rob Mahoney of The Two Man Game, Hardwood Paroxysm, NYT’s Off the Dribble, NBC’s ProBasketballTalk, Voice on the Floor and probably soon the White House to create this epic video.

It’s the best thing you will find on the internet today and perhaps in your lifetime. (via Hardwood Paroxysm)

I’ve been pretty baffled about why everyone has felt the need to make LeBron into some sort of monster this summer. He has been a bit of a naive douche of late, perhaps, but the whole “he ruined his legacy [at 25 years old],” “he’s scared to be the man” and “MJ or Kobe never would have played with Wade” stuff is just completely silly to me. Who cares? New era with new era players who want to win title with their friends.

Seriously, not a big deal.

And that’s what makes this Nike spot so brilliant. It acknowledges all the silly rhetoric that talking heads have been saying for months now and just exposes it all as being totally silly. By the end, the only thing a rational basketball fan can realistically see is, as Matt Moore of Hardwood Paroxysm noted in an email, “a dude that switched jobs and did it in an obnoxious manner.”

That’s all the ever really happened. Calm down. (Cleveland fans can keep being pissed — I get that.)

Meanwhile, the “Hi Chuck” part is one of the best moments in any commercial ever and the kid actor voicing young LeBron who says “should I give you a history lesson?” sounds like Randy Wagstaff from The Wire.

(via The Daily What)

Let me start by saying I apologize if this piece is suddenly obsolete. In our 24/7 media world, I can only presume you have read your full share of Lebron stories with varying angles, from “THE HEATZ THEY BE ROLLING!” to “LEBRICK WILL NEVER BE KOBE!” But I found it necessary to slow down, take a look around and not let the whirlwind of it all lead me to reacting with half-baked opinions. I have no intention of waxing poetic on the same topic we’ve been hearing about non-stop over the past few days. No, you’ve seen enough of them. Think of this as a response to the general conception, as the way one man sees what we’ve all been hearing.

Public Response vs. My Response

Public Response 1

Lebron stabbed Cleveland in the back not in leaving, but in the way he did it.

Yes. Moving on.

Public Response 2

Because he left Cleveland, Lebron will never be Jordan.

Well, this one is true, but you can drop the “because he left Cleveland” part. It’s time we realize that NOBODY WILL EVER EVER EVER BE JORDAN. Let’s just stop having this contrived debate between Jordan and every dominant wing player that enters the league. It will make all of us much healthier.

Public Response 3

Because he left Cleveland, Lebron will never be Kobe.

*Screeching halt*

In no way can you make that statement right now. No freaking way. Kobe never left the Lakers? He damn well wanted to in 2007, requesting a trade after 3 years of going nowhere without Shaq. The request went so far that the Lakers actually had a deal in place with the Bulls, set to send Kobe to Chicago for a package revolving around then-promising youngster Luol Deng. Only Kobe vetoed it because, without Deng, the Bulls had so little talent that Kobe didn’t think he could contend with them. Kind of like Lebron chose Miami over all other options because he felt they gave him the best chance to contend.

Kobe never quit on his team in the playoffs? Why don’t you ask the 2006 Phoenix Suns how much easier Game 7 vs. LA was than Games 1 through 6. I guess it was much easier, with Kobe taking three shots the entire second half, making none. Or, if the 2006 Suns lack credibility in your book, ask the 2008 Boston Celtics how much easier Game 6 of the NBA finals was than Games 1 through 5.

Look, the great thing about NBA basketball is that we don’t know anything until it actually happens. Yes, Lebron has zero titles  seven seasons into his career, by which time Kobe had three. Also, Kobe took those three titles alongside arguably the most dominant player ever in his most dominant stretch ever. The best player to ever play alongside Lebron in the postseason was Daniel Gibson. So while Kobe’s career is thus far superior to Lebron’s in every which way, and anybody making an argument to the contrary is either blind or incredibly unintelligent, we must always remember that career comparisons come at the end of careers, not in the middle of them. Will Lebron ascend to Kobe’s level when all is said and done? Right now, it looks as if he doesn’t. Not when Kobe’s claim to fame is his unquenchable thirst to win and to improve, while Lebron wastes his summers on hour-long TV specials. But there is no possible way to say that he never will. Unless you can see the future. At which case I’d like to know next week’s lottery numbers.

Public Response 4

If he wanted to win, he would have gone to Chicago.

Ummm … what? How is an up-and-coming, All-Star point guard, an undersized All-Star power forward and a borderline All-Star defensive center better than a top two shooting guard and a much better, not undersized All-Star power forward? I’m sorry, but I just don’t get this line of thinking at all.

Role players excluded, Wade/Bosh is a much, much better combination than Rose/Boozer/Noah. It’s no contest defensively (yes, Noah is great, but Wade is an all-worlder in this regard, and while Bosh isn’t the best defender you’ve seen, he’s better than Booze). It’s even more of a no contest offensively, where Bosh is amongst the league’s best, and Wade is amongst history’s very best. And while Rose’s and Noah’s youth enable Lebron to grow old with them, it also means that they’re not as good as Wade and Bosh right now, which is when Lebron wants that ring. Not to mention, they will never be as good as Wade and Bosh. Both have tremendous upside (more so Rose), but this is out of their league.

The only place I see an advantage for Chicago over Miami is in depth. Rose/Boozer/Noah are three guys, Wade/Bosh are two. In addition, the Bulls have a Luol Deng/James Johnson/Taj Gibson supporting cast, while Miami has just Mario Chalmers. But that brings me to my next point, which is…

Public Response 5A

The Heat can’t win a title because they have no role players.

Let’s ignore for a second that Miami has traded Michael Beasley for nothing, which, combined with the new Superfriends all taking less money, enables signing Mike Miller. The Heat can now offer any free agent only a minimum contract … but this comes with the opportunity to play with a nearly unprecedented force in this league. Of course, some of these guys need money and won’t tag along, but plenty of others will. Ben Wallace played for a minimum deal last year, and his renaissance in Detroit would have been a huge story had the Pistons been relevant. You think he wouldn’t want to start at center for this team? What about Raja Bell, on the downside of his career? Eddie House, looking to taste that sweet victory champagne again after being let go by the Celtics? Every single bought-out guy in late February?

And even if the familiar faces choose not to join for whatever reason — we are coming off the best season ever for D-League talent. The Golden State Warriors featured Anthony Tolliver, Cartier Martin, Chris Hunter, CJ Watson and Reggie Williams as rotation players throughout the season — all D-League guys. Alonzo Gee broke into the scene in Washington. Sundiata Gaines rose to fame after making a game-winning shot against the Cavs.

The D-League is full of more of these NBA-level players just waiting to get a chance. The Miami Heat roster is full of empty spots waiting for contributors to step in. There is no reason why the marriage can’t work. The Heat have 82 games to filter through this pool of talent — a pool that we know, now more than ever, is overflowing — find the best guys and trot them out. And playing with some of the best players in the world, the chances of them finding absolutely nobody who can step up are minuscule. Add that to what the brilliant Mark Deeks of ShamSports calls “one of the best undrafted classes of recent years,” and Miami should have themselves a rotation in no time. Not to mention that Lebron made Daniel Gibson, JJ Hickson and Jawad Williams look like legit NBA contributors in Cleveland. With Wade and Bosh creating even more open looks for the other guys, that trend should continue.

Of course, there is another side to this coin that is being mentioned quite a bit …

Public Response 5B

Miami is an immediate title favorite.

Again, let’s slow down a bit.

Yes, the Heat now bolster a trio nearly unparalleled in the NBA. But basketball isn’t played three against five. And confident as I am in the Heat’s ability to fill out their roster (see 5A) there are still 29 other teams in the league that, until opening night, are tied with the Heat for the best record in the league and pose big questions.

How do the Heat stop the Dwight Howards and Pau Gasols of the world with no current defensive player in their frontcourt? How can they rival the depth of the Magic and Celtics? Even the pseudo-contenders of the East, a group that as of today consists of Chicago, Milwaukee and Atlanta in my eyes, probably have something to say to whoever is anointing Miami as Eastern Conference champs — let alone NBA champs. And we don’t even know how this trio will work on the court or in the locker room. Talk to me next April. Actually, make that June.

Public Response 6

Lebron has admitted he can’t win alone by going to be Dwyane’s sidekick.

This is probably the dumbest statement I’ve heard throughout this mess, and yet it is the most prevalent.

Yes, Lebron James failed to win a title as the leader of the Cleveland Cavaliers. But look at the rosters he had to work with over the years. NOBODY in NBA history won a title with a roster that bad. Nobody. The only All-Stars Lebron played with in their primes were Zydrunas Ilgauskas, whose skill diminished noticeably by the time Cleveland was a championship contender, and Mo Williams, who is as much of an All-Star as you and me.

And yet, he took that roster to the best record in the league for two consecutive years, carrying them night in, night out. He took them to the NBA Finals, behind one of the greatest playoff performances ever that we somehow allowed ourselves to forget. Yes, he choked against Boston. But it was his first playoff loss that was his fault, the first time in five years of overachieving that he didn’t do everything humanly possible in a playoff series. And least us not forget — Boston was the better team, and won not because Lebron was bad, but because the Cavs had nobody to guard Rajon Rondo and Kevin Garnett. Lebron simply didn’t do anything to counter that.

So now, when Lebron is taking less money to play on a better team — a potentially historically great team — we’re calling him out? We’re actually faulting this guy because he chose playing with an all-time great and an all-NBAer over playing with Anderson Varejao and Anthony Parker in his starting lineup? If everything is indeed about winning, and the main criticism on Lebron was that he doesn’t want to win as much as his peers, isn’t this the only move he could have considered?

As for the sidekick thing – give me a break. When Shaquille O’neal signed with the Lakers in 1996, it was Nick Van Exel and Cedric Ceballos’ team. Was Shaq the sidekick? When Tim Duncan came to the Spurs, it was David Robinson’s team. Was Timmy the sidekick? The fact of the matter is, Lebron James is still the best player in the league, and he will be the best player on the Heat even if they bring in Josh Boone in free agency. The “I was there first” argument works for standing in line at a pizzeria, not when discussing the pecking order on an NBA team. Even if the player who was there first is responsible for the team’s only title.

Besides, why do we need a sidekick anyway? Why do we need only one alpha male, only one player who takes the last shot? If the Charlotte Bobcats had a team consisting of Chris Paul, Brandon Roy, Carmelo Anthony, Dirk Nowitzki and Dwight Howard, you think that team wouldn’t win the title just because everybody would want the last shot? No, I’ll tell you what happens in the last possession: Chris Paul will handle the ball, because he’s the point guard; he will get a screen from Dwight, because he’s the best screener in the game; Dwight will roll to the basket; and from that point on, the team will move the ball to the open player, who will knock down the shot because he’s awesome.

Same here. This consensus that final possession basketball consists of an isolation play for clutch guy X is absurd. It works when you have said clutch guy, but why should it be the final option? If you have two or three guys that can all step up, why categorize them into “the guy with the ball” and “the guy who’s watching”? And why does it even matter if the team is good enough to win the game in the first 47 minutes?

The whole legacy discussion in sports is looked at the wrong way. We say titles matter the most, but players have to win the title in the predetermined mold, and each title carries different weight depending on the role said player had on the team. And that’s fine. Nobody thinks Robert Horry is better than Michael Jordan because seven is a bigger number than six. But this point of view comes with an undefined resolution. Jordan was the best guy on his title teams, and Kareem was the best guy on his, except Jordan had Pippen, and Kareem had Magic. Does this give Kareem more credit? Or Jordan? Shaq had young Kobe, old Kobe had Pau. Is Pau as good as young Kobe? Is old Kobe as good as Shaq? What about the coaches? What about the role players? We insist on pegging these guys into these rigid roles and use those roles to analyze the hell out of them. But what if we miss by just a bit? What if Pau is a tiny bit better than Manu Ginobili? Nope, they were both the number-two sidekick, so they’re the same. Please.

Besides, as much as I hate repeating this point, we have to remember that there is still plenty of basketball to be played. What if the Miami Heat win the title next year, only the finals feature Lebron averaging 40, 10 and 10 while shutting down Kobe, and Wade shoots 14%? What if Lebron is injured in the first round of the playoffs, but Wade leads the team to the title without him? What if the Heat never win a title because Kevin Durant turns into the Optimus Prime and doesn’t lose a playoff game until 2025? We don’t know what will happen, because it hasn’t happened yet. Just like in 2007, when Kobe was getting criticized by every punk with a keyboard, nobody imagined that the summer of 2010 would turn him into the guy everyone is rooting for to take down the Miami axis of evil.

I get the need to write some of the stuff that we’ve been reading. You don’t sell papers by telling people to wait for the games to play out. But the bottom line is that we’re discussing the sport of basketball, not the sport of offseason moves. And as such, legacies are built in the games themselves. Lebron James still has plenty of basketball to play. History shows he’s very good at it. That doesn’t change just because his jersey has different colors or because he’s no longer playing in a city that recognizes the concept of cold weather.

I’m not trying to defend Lebron. Though his decision to leave was perfectly legitimate, he handled the entire situation in the worst possible way, and I, too, hoped he would stay in Cleveland and prove he could win over there. But I do think that this backlash has been overdone.

Has Lebron shown that he’s a narcissistic human being with little to no awareness as to how his decisions affect the millions that idolize him? Yes. But this decision does nothing to diminish the fact that he is the best player in this league, that his MVP awards were blowouts of the 1992-Dream-team-against-Angola proportions, that he single-handedly carried the worst NBA Finals team ever within four wins of an NBA title or that, from a skills-only standpoint, he might be the greatest player to ever play basketball.

That much we know, because it’s in the past.

The future? It could go anywhere.

The true beauty of this league is that less than an hour after Lebron’s much-criticized Decision, the New York Knicks and Golden State Warriors completed a trade that both teams hope will improve their chances at a title of their own. And less than a day after that, the Charlotte Bobcats re-signed Tyrus Thomas. And the Chicago Bulls signed Kyle Korver. And the New Jersey Nets signed Johan Petro. Each for their own reasons. (Tyrus has ridiculous upside, the Bulls need a shooter, and I have absolutely no idea) Each with their own dreams of success.

Good as the new-look Heat may be, we still have 29 teams — lead by the defending champions, least you forget — that want a title just as much. Who will win it? We have no idea.

Which is why, come late October, I will be watching.

(AP Photo/ESPN)

I randomly came across this just now while image-searching LeBron.

We shall see.

Larger, more-legible version here.

Enjoy.

And please be sure to subscribe to Talking About Practice on iTunes, where ratings and reviews are encouraged.

(h/t NBA Offseason)

Previous Doc Funk Friday installments can be found here. And much, much more unadulterated goodness can be found from the man himself at Brain on Funk.

Head that way ASAP.

From Suns vs. Spurs Game 2

From Magic vs. Hawks Game 1

From Cavs vs. Celtics Game 3

From Suns vs. Spurs Game 1

From Suns vs. Spurs Game 3

More to come on Friday.

This photo will make sense if you go read the Game 2 piece. Or not.

Here’s how, earlier on Twitter during the press conference, I tried to transcribe Mike Brown’s reaction to Mo Williams’ out-of-nowhere, thunder dunk over Paul Pierce  — something that was oh-so difficult in just 140 characters. (And, yeah, I realized I didn’t get the question verbatim … was a little flustered by all the cackling.)

Reporter: “Did you even know Mo could dunk?”
Mike Brown: “Nah. Hehehe. Nah … That surprised me … I did not. Hehehehe”

Not quite as good, but also pretty sweet, was Mike’s later comment on the dunk.

Mike Brown on Mo dunk: “It mighta been the red shoes he had on tonight. The red shoes might have helped him fly a lil bit.”

It’s gotta be the shoes, Money.

As for Mo, the dunk was also the hot topic when he sat in front of the press. In explaining how it happened, he said that, normally in such instances, he will wait until the defender commits to him and then look to throw a lob to LeBron to help “get him going.” But Paul never fully cut him off. Even so, being that Truth is “6’7, 6’8,” according to Mo, he was just going to go up and do a little sweeping layup deal where he fades away a little and creates some space so that the taller guy can’t block the shot.

But in this instance, said Mo, “I was a little high. I was thinking ‘I might gonna try it.” (video via TrueHoop)

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.

This series is not.

On paper, this should be a nail biter. The teams split the regular season series. Both won their first round series in 5 games. Both teams are as healthy as they will ever be (and yes, I’m assuming that LeBron’s elbow is fine, because he’s a cyborg and cyborgs don’t feel pain). And while the Cavs are deeper, and had the far superior regular season record, they are also employing a line-up that has played less than 10 games together, including in the playoffs, and lack the championship pedigree of their green opponents. All in all, this evens out.

Until you look at the fine print.

How did Boston got those regular season wins? Well, one was on opening night, against a Cleveland squad playing it’s first game with Shaquille O’Neal in uniform after a shaky training camp, without Delonte West who was battling personal issues. Since then, Cleveland acquired Antawn Jamison, got Delonte back, got Shaq in the mix, and gained two rotation players in J.J. Hickson and Jawad Williams (though the latter might be kind of a stretch), while the Celtics regressed to .500 ball from Christmas Day onward.

The second Boston win came 10 days before the end of the season, after the Cavs clinched the league’s best record, without the aforementioned O’Neal. Cleveland basically rolled over for 3 quarters, allowing Boston to go up 22, before LeBron decided he feels like trying and instantaneously made it a close game, only to lose the game on some questionable decisions – and missed some free throws – in crunch time.

How did Cleveland get their wins?

One was a late February game, one week after Jamison joined the team, which was close for three quarters before the Cavs turned it up in the fourth (notice a trend here?) and won by 20. The other was a mid-March, Shaq-less contest, an 11 point win that wasn’t nearly as close as the score indicated.

“Sure,” you could say, “but how about those first round series? Boston looked much better there!”

Well, the Cavs, playing at first gear, beat a Bulls team despite the Bulls playing two or three of their best games of the season. The Celtics, with extreme motivation, beat a Miami team that consists of Dwyane Wade … and … yeah.

Not to take away from the Boston’s win against Miami – they upped the defensive intensity, and managed to convincingly win a series that many, including yours truly, predicted would be very close. But how does that help them against Cleveland? Letting Wade get his and stopping the likes of Beasley, Chalmers, Haslem and Jermaine O’Neal’s dead body is hardly the same as letting LeBron get his and stopping Jamison, Mo, Shaq and an array of three-point snipers. Besides, just letting LeBron get his could be enough to lose.

Look, I might be selling the Celtics short. I pretty much declared their title chances – for this year – over once Kevin Garnett was ruled out from last season’s playoffs, and my stance didn’t change one bit even when they started the season 23-5. And while I still believe the Celtics as presently constructed to be all but done as far as a title contender, I may be letting that opinion get the better of me.

And yet, the question remains:

When have the Celtics ever given us any indication that they are capable of beating these guys?

Even at full strength, rolling towards a title, a much stronger version of these Celtics needed 7 games and a fourth quarter outburst from P.J. Brown to put Cleveland away. And this was when Cleveland had, maybe, 10% the supporting cast, the Celtics had James Posey (whom they’ve never adequately replaced), and Kevin Garnett was still one of the best players in the league.

So yes, Rajon Rondo will probably have his way with Mo Williams, weaving his way into the paint for numerous floaters and funny looking layups, just like Derrick Rose did before him and Jameer Nelson will do after him. Ray Allen will make some big threes, Paul Pierce will still be Paul Pierce, KG will yell at all sorts of things, be them opposing point guards or stationary objects. Heck, maybe even Rasheed Wallace will get off the bench and show the Cavs that even though he already mailed in a playoff series against them last year, he’s still enough of a bonehead to do it again. You know, all the those Celticy little things we’ve come to know and love.

And after all that is said and done, LeBron will get his ridiculous stat-line, Jamison will get his 18 points without releasing the ball from above his shoulder even once, Anderson Varejao will draw 5 charges and 8 technicals, some kind of dude with an unnecessary J in his name will score a big three and follow it up with a 5 minute hand shake/rain dance, and the Celtics will go home.

I know this sounds bleak, and not very fun. But I promise you, it’s not like that. It will be a fun series. The games themselves should be fairly close – not the defensive slugfest kind of close, but the entertaining kind of close, as these teams have quite regularly produced in the past.

And don’t fool yourself into thinking that this series can’t affect the NBA title. In fact, this is the ultimate Cleveland gut check: for all of Lebron’s greatness, he hasn’t beaten a legit, top tier team in the playoffs since the Pistons in 2007. Unfair as that assessment may be, it’s on him to prove that he can hold up to that pressure. If he doesn’t against Boston, he won’t against Orlando/whoever comes out of the West.

As for the Celtics, this series can dramatically alter their future. If they somehow take this to 7, or even win (which I don’t see happening, at all, but you can never be sure in this league), then maybe they stay course, hope KG’s knee is better after yet another summer off, re-sign Ray Allen, sign another, strong mid-level bench guy (not like Sheed), and take another shot. If they lose in a blowout … well, then maybe it’s time to blow this thing up. (Fun side note: if Allen leaves in free agency, no team is a better fit for him than Cleveland. Nobody.) The whole Ubuntu, heart of a champion mentality of this squad will be put to the test here, even if it seemed like it abandoned them during the season.

And no matter what happens, whether this goes 4 or 7, we’ll get to see two very good teams doing what they do best. You can never go wrong with that. It’s just that at the end of the day, one of these teams is better than the other.

By quite a margin.

And they have Lebron.

Cavs in 5

Deron Williams proved to be even more amazing than we thought. The Spurs stole home court from the Mavs. Josh Smith has devoured four souls. Dwyane Wade learned new and more vengeful ways to hate his teammates. Joakim Noah went to war with the city of Cleveland. Gerald Wallace suffered 14 undiagnosed concussions. And J-Rich had the best game of his career.

Still, the best development of this postseason thus far has not happened on the court or even within Joakim’s scrunchy — it has happened in Photoshop.

Doc Funk has been dropping masterfully captioned photos after each game, and every batch is better than the last. LOLz for dayz. So to help spread awareness and revisit some of the awesome, I’m planning to do a little “best of” recap each Friday until the trophy is handed out by posting my fav five (don’t call it that) of the week.

Be sure to check out Doc Funk’s Brain on Funk for many, many more everyday.

And please let me know in the comments if I missed your favorite.

Here goes:

Matt Barnes and some ref from Magic/Bobcats Game 2

Kevin Durant and Phil Jackson from Lakers/Thunder Game 1

LeBron from Cavs/Bulls Game 2

Vinny of the Black from Cavs/Bulls Game 3

KD and Russell Westbrook from Lakers/Thunder Game 3

There are some bear analogies.

Are my bear analogies as cool as an actual, real-life, three-legged bear walking upright through the woods on its hind legs? Well, no, of course not. I’m not Mark Twain. But I have included a video of that very situation right here for your enjoyment. (It gets good around the 0:50 mark.)

The bee noises creep me out, too. I had to mute it.

“I’ve dreamt of being famous. But I’ve never dreamt of being that famous.”

(video via, who else, @jose3030)

Celtics/Heat

Series Preview: The Unknown (This Is Not an M. Night Shyamalan Movie)
Game 1: The Celtics Remind the Heat that “Defense Is Our Backbone”

Cavs/Bulls

Game 1: Bulls Prep for Losing Games 2, 3 and 4 by Losing Game 1

Why don’t you cry about it?

(Photo by Brian Babineau/NBAE via Getty Images)

Even more rarely will you ever see me rocking a t-shirt based around a pun.

Often, however, you will see me rocking the t-shirt below that combines both. Well, you probably won’t since we’re not friends, but, trust me, I’ll be wearing it. Probably with these. Because the colors match, you see.

You, too, can purchase said shirt over at Fresh Brewed Tees. (v/t @brianspaeth)

But stuff like this is easier to sell you on. And he’s 25 now so we only have another few years of “NO WAY he just did that?” physical feats on the reg.

Don’t check out on the regular season is all I’m saying. Stuff like this is happening — even during terrible Knicks games. (via Hooped Up)

“If Jeezy’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade”

Understandably, the presumption by most is that Jay, who has a small ownership stake in the New Jersey Nets, is essentially saying that “If I can’t sign LeBron as a free agent this summer, I’ll just sign Dwyane Wade — the next best thing.”

But that’s not correct.

The chart below basically tells you what’s going on, but this guy at The Awl breaks it down for you in full, which will help ensure you aren’t like one of those people walking around singing “excuse me, while I kiss this guy” or “the girl with colitis goes by.”

The lyric in question is usually misconstrued in one of two ways. Either:

1) It’s misheard as: “If Jesus paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade.”

Or:

2) It’s heard correctly, but taken literally, as: “If Jeezy’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade.”

Here’s how the different scenarios break down:

1) “If Jesus is paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade.” A lot of people assume that this means that there’s someone named Jesus who owns a large equity stake in an NBA franchise who is vying for LeBron James (one of the best NBA players of all time, and close friend of Jay-Z) when James hits the market as a free agent in 2010. Well, you know what they say about happens when you assume, and that’s just what you’ve done. No one named Jesus, pronounced like the son of God and not in the more commonly used Hispanic way, owns any part of any NBA team. Sorry.

2) “If Jeezy’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade.” So now you might think, okay, maybe the popular rapper Young Jeezy owns a bit of an NBA team, just like Jay-Z does, and he’s saying that if Jeezy signs LeBron, Jay-Z will then settle for Dwyane Wade. Again, you could not be anymore incorrect, I’m sorry. Young Jeezy also does not have any points in an NBA franchise. It seems weird that you even thought that.

So what they hell is Jay talking about then?

Well, it actually has nothing to do with the NBA. He’s just bragging about how cheaply he can purchase cocaine, which since he doesn’t actually sell drugs anymore is just really him saying he’s kind of a big deal.

See, Jeezy made a song called “24 23 (Kobe LeBron)” in which he repeatedly said that while other drug dealers had to pay “Kobe” (meaning Bryant’s  jersey number of 24 aka $24,000 per kilo) for their wholesale coke purchases, he had now climbed the blow-slinging kingpin ladder to such a degree that he now only had to pay “LeBron” (aka $23,000 per kilo). And Jay is countering that he only pays “Dwyane Wade,” which at $3,000 a kilo means that would pretty much have to be Pablo Escobar’s son. He may as well be saying he picks up his drugs along with Tyrone Biggums at the Five O’clock Free Crack Giveaway.

ANYWAY…

The only real point here is that I just came across the chart below at Doomztastic. Which pretty much says all this same stuff a lot quicker and includes a joke or two that will likely only be funny to people who already knew all this stuff to begin with. (via I Love Charts)

And what does THAT mean?

That I just wasted a bunch of my time typing all this out. What else is new?

1. How Steve Nash Shines in Basketball — and Business

The gimmick throughout this Fast Company article by Chuck Salter is pretty dumb, but the content itself is pretty good. Basically, it breaks down how Steve Nash has gone from reluctant celebrity who turned up his nose at corporate endorsements and celebrity appearances to a guy who has embraced becoming a revenue-generator since realizing that he can do a ton of good in this world if he just had more capital and a bigger platform.

It’s basically the same philosophy that Jay-Z breaks down in “Moment of Clarity”:

I can’t help the poor if I’m one of them
So I got rich and gave back, to me, that’s the win/win

Obviously, “poor” is a relative term here but the basic premise is that while a guy like Steve Nash may seem ungodly rich to day-laborers like us, his basketball salary and status alone isn’t ever going to allow him to make the type of difference on this planet that he hopes he can. He needs Vitaminwater’s corporate backing. He needs to mold and then leverage the type of celebrity that things like playing in the NBA can’t offer alone. So he needs to go on Entourage and David Letterman. He needs to make movies for ESPN. Basically — and I know it sounds cheesy — he needs to turn himself into a recognizable brand that will entice people to open their wallets and corporate budgets to help support his causes (with the environment and fitness seeming to lead his agenda).

To quote Jay-Z again (he’s so wise), Steve Nash has started to look at his post-NBA life from a broader, more ambitious perspective:

I’m not a businessman; I’m a business, man

And this is why Nash is not only the funniest dude in the league — at least in public — he is also one of the few who might actually be worth looking up to. No, he’s not Dikembe Mutombo. But he seems to be try to do as much for other people as he has time for in between, ya know, that whole being an NBA All-Star thing.

To get to where he wants to be once his playing days are over, he will also be consciously making himself into a much bigger mainstream figure — but that’s just collateral damage.

That might be hard to believe in this cynical world where we presume everyone wants to be famous, but I believe the guy when he says he doesn’t really want to be in the spotlight.

What perplexes me more is why anyone would.

(AP Photo/Winslow Townson, File)

2. A Lament for Tall Guy

Matt Moore had a great conversation with his wife about Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Here’s the set-up:

Me: “I have great news!”

Paroxi-Wife: “You canceled League Pass and will now actually spend time and attention on me?!”

Me: “…”

Paroxi-Wife: “What is your good news? If this involves the word ‘trade exemption’ I’m going to stop listening now.”

Me: “The Cavs traded for Antawn Jamison!”

Paroxi-Wife: “…”

Me: “You know, the guy on the Wizards I’ve been ranting about? 20 and 8? Aaaan-TAWN Jamison?”

Paroxi-Wife: “….”

They go back and forth a little more and we find out that Paroxi-Wife is devastated to hear that Tall Guy, aka Big Z, got dealt. And then Matt skillfully puts what Ilgauskas means to the Cavs franchise all into perspective. I have to imagine that Zydrunas will be bought out by Washington and return to Cleveland for their Playoff run.

But, man, what if he doesn’t?

That would just suck.

3. Is Donnie Walsh Too Old For Us to Change His Nickname to “Zeke”?

To me, a Pacers fan and a Donnie Walsh apologist, I saw the unfortunate yet somewhat necessary inclusion of future draft picks to dump Jared Jeffries and acquire TMac’s expiring contract as something Donnie had to do. He was brought in before the 2008-09 season to fix a sinking ship, and he and the other powers that be decided that they were going to do whatever they could to fix the franchise’s salary cap situation, which was oh-so-memorably and colossally burnt to the ground via fiscal arson by Isiah Thomas. And this seemingly insolvable riddle of bloated albatrosses, nonproductive players and low-level assets all needed to be transformed into roster flexibility by May 2010. When Walsh was hired, it seemed like the only thing that could turn such turd into gold that quickly was alchemy.

As an outsider and an Indy fan who is genetically predisposed to hating the Knicks, even I was a little squeamish upon learning how much New York gave up just to dump Jared Jeffries and get far enough under the cap to be able to sign two max players this summer. But, still, Donnie Walsh was just doing his job. He was in a no-win situation, but had already committed to at least giving the team the possibility of being better aligned towards a 2011 resurgence. After going so far in the direction of “cap space or bust,” he had to go all in no matter the cost, right?

Well, even if the Knicks are now better off financially than at any other time in the last decade, some Knicks fans aren’t exactly willing to give management a pat on the back for mortgaging the future on a pipe dream.

Or at least not for the way they got there.

In this article, Kenneth Paul Drews of the inimitable Free Darko Presents: The Disciples of Clyde NBA Podcast (which is the best NBA podcast there is in my book) breaks down how the Knicks got to this position and notes a few perhaps major missteps along the way.

If you don’t care how the sausage is made then this is a good day to be a Knick fan.  They have lots of cap space for a deep free agent class, Eddy Curry’s expiring contract (for next year) to trade, two young quality rotation players (Chandler, Gallo), threetalented young wild cards (Sergio Rodriguez, Toney Douglas, Bill Walker), and a top tier coach (Mr. Pringles). For the first time in a decade, the Knicks are in good (if precarious) shape.

But as Ken shows, the way the sausage was made isn’t necessarily pleasant.

My condolences to KPD. Although more than anything, I’m just really looking forward to a Knick Summer of Discontent, during which they use all their cap space on TMac, Carlos Boozer and Rudy Gay.

It’s going to be glorious.

(Photo by Garrett W. Ellwood/NBAE via Getty Images)

4. Does LeBron Take Too Many 3′s? — An Analysis

Vince Grzegorek breaks down the main criticism against the one player that the Knicks certainly will not be signing this summer.

LeBron ranks 5th in the NBA in most 3′s attempted with 286 so far this year. Only Danilo Gallinari, Aaron Brooks, Peja Stojakovich, and Travor Ariza have more. 25.7% of LeBron’s field goal attempts are 3′s. 286 out of 1110.

His 35.3 shooting % on 3′s, however, ranks 77th in the league among qualified players. Make sense? Probably not, especially when you have Boobie Gibson (ranked 2nd in %), Anthony Parker (ranked 6th), and Mo Williams (ranked 8th) on your roster.

For what it’s worth, in the Cleveland’s 12 losses, LeBron averages 6.5 3-point attempts per game (season average of 5.2 attempts per game), and is connecting on only 33% of them (season average of 35.3%).

I’m definitely with Vince fundamentally here and do wish that LeBron would either penetrate or post up every time he touches the ball. This is a thoughtful, well-researched and level-headed way of showing why he should shoot fewer long jumpers. It’s a fact that’s pretty much impossible to dispute at this point. He takes too many long jumpers. Perhaps way too many.

Unfortunately, this same argument in the hands of most others just turns into “LEBRON SHOOTS TOO MUCH TREYS, BRO. KOBE’Z WAAY AWESOMEER. WIN A RING, LEBRICK, THAN WE TAALK. BUM.” Or, even worse, we get a slightly more high-level English version of the same “LeBron isn’t that good really” argument that people might actually take seriously for some reason.

We should all know that LeBron isn’t perfect. No player is or was. Not Bill Russell or MJ.

Look, I love me some Mamba, some CP3 and some Dwyane Wade, but LeBron is by far the best player on this planet. And while his minor flaws (let’s be honest — he’s shooting 35% from three, which is ultimately not killing a team) are worth discussing, let’s not over-magnify them to the degree that we lose sight of what’s really important: There is no other player in the world that gives you a better chance to win a basketball game than LeBron. And it’s not even remotely close.

We’re watching Haley’s Comet on a nightly basis. Let’s try to enjoy it, folks. Because I’m pretty sure that those of us who just sit back and gaze in amazement are having a much better time watching the best player dominate a league that is better than it has been in at least 20 years.

UPDATE: Kelly Dwyer has more to say on the issue. And much like Vince, very good stuff from KD, too.

5. In It to Win It

This month’s GQ has a great, must-read cover story on Kobe Bryant by JR Moehringer. Unlike the gimmicky format of the Nash piece, the one in this profile totally works. Honestly, it’s one of the better things I’ve ever read about Mamba (even if it’s a little over-flowery in a few places for my taste from a technical standpoint).

Since you made your way to this little site, you probably know most of the stuff that is discussed here about Kobe. Still, you should head over there and read all 4,000 words.

For those of you too lazy to do that, however,  here are the passages I enjoyed the most.

On his commute to work:

The second he’s aboard [the aircraft], seat belt clicked, the box with the pretty beige bow tucked beside him, the pilot lifts off. He gets vertical fast, banks hard at a forty-five-degree angle, soars north at 140 miles an hour. Bryant squints into the lowering sun, then looks down at all the teeming life below, the sprawling, striving, smog-shouldered city of Los Angeles. His city. From up here he could palm it like a basketball.

This is how the 31-year-old co-captain of the Lakers, the eleven-time All-Star, the four-time world champion, the most prolific and accomplished scorer currently drawing breath and an NBA paycheck, commutes. He takes a private helicopter from Orange County, where he lives with his wife and two children, to every home game. It’s a nice dash of glitz, a touch of showbiz that goes well with the Hollywood sign in the hazy distance. But sexy as it might seem, Bryant says the helicopter is just another tool for maintaining his body. It’s no different than his weights or his whirlpool tubs or his custom-made Nikes. Given his broken finger, his fragile knees, his sore back and achy feet, not to mention his chronic agita, Bryant can’t sit in a car for two hours. The helicopter, therefore, ensures that he gets to Staples Center feeling fresh, that his body is warm and loose and fluid as mercury when he steps onto the court.

If you make $23 million a year with your body, taking a helicopter to work is actually quite practical.

On his injuries:

With all its scars and aches, spasms and pulls, stingers and inflammations and hyperextensions, his body is a living record of his journey. From boy to man. From ball hog to team leader. From alleged narcissist to tormented perfectionist to apparent masochist. Every athlete knows pain, but Bryant’s body charts his unique combination of pain, passion, and virtuosic skill. His body explains him. Maybe better than he can.

The Redeem Team:

He haunted the Olympic Village, stared at the fastest and the strongest the way people stare at him. For once he didn’t feel alone with his priestly devotion to craft. He felt like a nomad reunited with his long-lost tribe.

On his “desire for privacy”:

His reticence, his desire for privacy, extends to the good stuff about himself as well as the bad. His reps urge him to speak more about his charitable works, like his fund to help victims of natural disasters in China or his partnership with After-School All-Stars, a program that tutors and mentors schoolchildren. You can be with Bryant for hours and hours and he won’t tell you about the cancer-stricken boy he took to Disneyland. They spent most of the day together, and when the boy died soon after, his mother phoned to say that the last time she saw her son smile was that magic afternoon with his idol.

On the ESP between him and Phil:

Bryant has become an “extension” of Jackson on the court. During one recent practice, Bryant told teammate Adam Morrison to take a higher position. “Not even point-five seconds after I said that, Phil says: ‘Adam, make sure you’re higher!’ Adam just kind of looks at me. I’m like, ‘We been together for a while.’ “

On his sleeping habits:

Every night he passes out around ten, then wakes feeling fully refreshed. He yawns, looks at the clock. Midnight. What the-? He’s been asleep only two hours. He’d love to sleep more, but his body is up, raring to go.

What does he do?

Watch TV, maybe a movie. He’s mad for Tarantino. (Especially the Kill Bill movies; he sees himself as a samurai, though he’s a kamikaze with his body.) Sometimes he goofs around on the computer…Around 4 a.m., he says, he’ll go back to bed and sleep until six, when his daughters get up. He likes to make them breakfast, and make them laugh, before heading to practice. Despite just two naps a night, he swears that he starts his days feeling rested.

There’s plenty more really good stuff in here. Go read it.

]]> http://www.bothteamsplayedhard.net/2010/02/23/stuff-i-read-and-enjoyed-featuring-steve-nash-as-a-business-man/feed/ 0 http://www.bothteamsplayedhard.net/2010/02/03/shaq-kobe-get-a-portrait-taken-at-jc-penney/ http://www.bothteamsplayedhard.net/2010/02/03/shaq-kobe-get-a-portrait-taken-at-jc-penney/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 05:36:03 +0000 Jared Wade http://www.bothteamsplayedhard.net/?p=6400 This photo would make more sense on Awkward Family Photos than in Sports Illustrated‘s “Rare Photos of Kobe” feature. (h/t @jeskeets)

This one, this one, this one and this one are also particularly awkward/comical.

1. Phil Jackson Buys Books for His Lakers Players

Every year around this time, the Zen Master famously gives everyone on his team a book. Perhaps it’s just to ensure they all read at least one during the year or maybe it really is to teach them savvy lessons about basketball and life. Most likely, it’s closer to how Eric Freeman puts it in his FreeDarko breakdown of this year’s reading list:

He considers the player’s personality and needs, and makes a decision based on all available factors. It’s one of the clearest reminders that he’s a coach who respects and values his players as people, not just basketball players.

Eric breaks down the significance of most of the selection, but here’s the full list of the books Phil handed out, which was originally made public by his girlfriend and daughter of the Lakers owner Jeanie Buss on her Twitter account:

Kobe Bryant – Montana 1948 by Larry Watson
Pau Gasol – 2666 by Roberto Bolano
Ron Artest - Sacred Hoops by Phil Jackson
Lamar Odom – The Right Mistake by Walter Mosley
Andrew Bynum – Six Easy Pieces by Walter Mosley
Derek Fisher – Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver
Shannon Brown – Dreams from My Frather by Barack Obama
Luke Walton – The Monkey Wrench Gang by Edward Abbey
Jordan Farmar – Makes Me Wanna Holler by Nathan McCall
Josh Powell – The Souls of Black Folks by W.E.B. Du Bois
Sasha Vujacic – Reservation Blues by Sherman Slexie
Adam Morrison – Che: A Graphic Biography by Sid Jacobson and Ernie Colon
DJ Mbenga – Monster: An Autobiography of an LA Gang Member by Sanyika Shakur (aka Monster Kody)

Gotta love Phil giving Mbenga a book by a gangbanger. And the Zen Master giving Artest a book that he himself wrote? That’s just great. I once had a college philosophy professor hand out essays he wrote and published as assignments. This was like right after we finished reading Plato’s Republic and a bunch of Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas stuff. Then he’s all “now lets move on to some stuff by me for next week.” He was a notable and well-respected modern philosopher and his stuff was ultimately good and worth reading/discussing, but I just remember being “Umm … aren’t we a little pretentious and self-important.” I’m not sure what my point was here. Probably don’t have one aside from, yeah, enjoy Sacred Hoops, Ronnie, even if you think Phil is a weirdo for giving you his own book. It’s pretty good.

2. Samuel Dalembert Speaks After Returning from Haiti

In my real job, I’ve spent much of the past six years in that field reading, writing and thinking about natural disasters and disaster response. So this whole Haitian tragedy has really kicked my ass. Keenly knowing that anyone not saved withing the first 36-48 hours post-event is probably dead sucks, and realizing even before it happens that the logistical challenges of coordinating relief in a country as desolate and infrastructure-less — or anywhere, really — are going to lead to one giant, multi-organizational clusterfuck really weighs on the psyche.

On the other hand, the outpouring of humanity and caring after the even is always encouraging to see and — in a tiny, tiny way — helps. Henry Abbott of TrueHoop broke down Samuel Dalemberts’ … well … breakdown after he returned from Haiti. (Skeets has video.) For those that don’t know, Samuel is from Port-au-Prince and he, along with Dwyane and Alonzo, has been leading the impressive aid efforts being conducted by the NBA. There was also a nice, public, Bill Clinton-led fundraising effort last night in Madison Square Garden that will end up giving at least $500,000. This, of course, all pales in comparison to the Hope For Haiti efforts last night, which featured pretty much every A-list celeb who isn’t an asshole. At this point, if you still haven’t given at least $10 to relief in a country ravaged by what is truly both a natural and man-made disaster, I probably don’t want you reading this blog. (Just text “Haiti” to 90999 and $10 will go to the Red Cross and be added to your next mobile bill.)

Paul Pierce also wrote some really interesting stuff about the nature of tragedy, talking about how his life changed after he was stabbed and how things like Haiti and Katrina, while disasters he “can’t even fathom,” also provide opportunities “to grow and learn.”

After my experience, I was really appreciative of the care I received at Tufts Medical Center. Because I had minimally invasive surgery, I was able to get back on the court a month later, so I worked with them and we opened the Paul Pierce Center for Minimally Invasive Surgery and I sit on the hospital’s Board of Governors.”

You wish you didn’t have to learn that way. But it could happen to anybody. You say to yourself, “I wish I was a little more cautious.” But you don’t know. Who knows? Who knows when an earthquake is going to hit? Who knows when a tsunami’s going to hit? Who knows when something tragic might happen? Who knows?

All you can do is learn from it and do whatever you can. In Haiti’s case, please offer as much help as possible.

Some of the better stuff you’ll ever see written by a pro athlete. Just one more reason why Paul Pierce is my third or fourth favorite player in the NBA.

3. LeBron vs. Kobe On a Hundred Thousand Triliion

LeBron is the best player in the league and it’s not remotely close. And even if you for some reason don’t feel that way, the whole conversation is beyond exhausted. No one is switching sides and, honestly, who really gives a shit? They’re both amazing. That’s pretty much what Zach Harper is saying here in his HP column “Is There a Huckleberry?” which is based on Tombstone — much like most religions should be. (Shoals had another take that I actually didn’t bother to read, but it’s Shoals, so I’m guessing it’s at least decent, presuming you care to read about Kobe/LeBron — which I decidedly do not.)