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Arrested Development

Doc Funk Friday

by Jared Wade on April 23, 2010 at 3:50 pm · 2 comments

There have been a lot of great developments so far during NBA Playoffs: Week 1.

Deron Williams proved to be even more amazing than we thought. The Spurs stole home court from the Mavs. Josh Smith has devoured four souls. Dwyane Wade learned new and more vengeful ways to hate his teammates. Joakim Noah went to war with the city of Cleveland. Gerald Wallace suffered 14 undiagnosed concussions. And J-Rich had the best game of his career.

Still, the best development of this postseason thus far has not happened on the court or even within Joakim’s scrunchy — it has happened in Photoshop.

Doc Funk has been dropping masterfully captioned photos after each game, and every batch is better than the last. LOLz for dayz. So to help spread awareness and revisit some of the awesome, I’m planning to do a little “best of” recap each Friday until the trophy is handed out by posting my fav five (don’t call it that) of the week.

Be sure to check out Doc Funk’s Brain on Funk for many, many more everyday.

And please let me know in the comments if I missed your favorite.

Here goes:

matt barnes block bobcats orlando magic

Matt Barnes and some ref from Magic/Bobcats Game 2

kevin durant phil jackson

Kevin Durant and Phil Jackson from Lakers/Thunder Game 1

lebron locker room media

LeBron from Cavs/Bulls Game 2

vinny del negro

Vinny of the Black from Cavs/Bulls Game 3

kevin durant russell westbrook thunder

KD and Russell Westbrook from Lakers/Thunder Game 3

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The Polish Hammer For Reals, For Reals

by Jared Wade on February 24, 2010 at 2:01 pm · 4 comments

There’s not a lot I can — or need to — add to this image. It’s Marcin Gortat, aka The Polish Hammer, posing with … let me finish … a hammer. I wasn’t aware that he doesn’t really dig the nickname, but according to @whatthenoelle from whose (whom’s?) website this image comes, Marcin seems to not be a huge fan.

As @whatthenoelle puts it:

1) How can you deny the Polish Hammer nickname and then pose for this?

2) Is that The Fonz tattooed over his heart?

3) Does any NBA player reward you for Google Image searching quite like Marcin Gortat?

Allow me to retort:

1) You cannot.

2) I sure do hope so.

3) Manute Bol and Kenny “Sky” Walker are both pretty good.

I wish I would have done this well on my SATs. Coulda been a contender.

marcin gortat

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The NBA Logo Ranking Project:
#20 – Sacramento Kings

by Jared Wade on August 27, 2009 at 8:53 am · 0 comments

I don’t have much to say about the Kings logo. It’s not as bad as some of the prior ones, but it certainly isn’t good. And not only is it worse than the franchise’s old one, but it’s just got too much going on. Lances, a crown, a basketball, a triumph banner and two overly stylized yet mismatched fonts? Probably a bit much. In other news, knights joust, kings do not.

And…that’s all I got.

So rather than forcing it, I’m just going to Kool Aid Man the fourth wall and let you all in on the behind-the-scenes “discussion” that kicked off this whole project like two weeks ago. Since Zach Harper writes Cowbell Kingdom, I asked him for his views on Sacto’s logo. And since I’m rather lazy, I also asked him if he would write a couple of these NBA Logo Ranking Project posts for me so that I could have some extra free time to sit back relax, catch a contact, sip my cognac and wash this money through this laundromat.

This is the Gmail chat that transpired.

talkhoops chat

Zach Harper to me      show details Aug 14 (13 days ago)

1:29 PM me: how you feel about the Kings logo?
Zach: I hate the color purple
1:30 PM especially in sports
me: Oprah will be upset to hear that
Zach: Oprah will be upset to hear a lot of my opinions
i think the kings should go back to the red, white and blue days of the early 90s
not the powder blue
1:31 PM but the regular blue
so until they do that, the kings logo is dead to me
me: I see
1:32 PM well…with a lack of any other ideas and nothing happening in the NBA currently, I was about to do 30 posts ranking all the logos
1:33 PM just like 200-300 words of blathering on and bad jokes — ya know, the regular BTPH stuff
you got 10 minutes to bang one out?

1:45 PM Zach: ya definitely
this is what the Kings should go back to
why did this go away?
1:46 PM me: not sure…I actually might sorta not hate the Kings new one too though…comparatively
I think I preliminarilly have it like 15th…that’s how bad most of these are
1:47 PM Zach: the one with the SK?
me: nah..this one
1:48 PM Zach: i’m not so sure about the jousting sticks
i would have liked some serfs asking for pittance at the bottom of the logo or something it’s actually pretty fun to pick these apart
me: yeah…I’m actually having a good time with it
you can write a few if you really have nothing better to do
god knows I don’t have 30 jokes in me
1:58 PM Zach: ya, i’ll do as many of these as you want
the nets one has nothing to do with an actual net
is has more to do with Saturn than a basketball net
1:59 PM me: wow…that’s amazing
didn’t even notice the stupidity in that
2:00 PM Zach: this may not be a reference you’re familiar with but the Wolves logo is reminding me of the smile of the mom of one of the Girls Next Door
she basically has no lips and is all teeth
it’s pretty dead on
2:01 PM me: is that the movie about the hot high school porno chick in suburbia? With Seth from Deadwood?
Elisa Dusk or Dunk something
Zach: no, the Hugh Heffner show
me: Douche Shoe maybe?
oh…
yeah…not particularly familiar with that one
Zach: Douche Shoe? hahahaha
2:02 PM me: no wait…it’s Elisha Cuthbert
isn’t there an Elisha Douche Shoe out there?
2:42 PM Zach: Doesn’t this look like Mike D’Antoni went into the witness protection program?
this one is so george michael bluth
3:13 PM me: hahaha…can’t wait until they play the Minnesota Moles
3:15 PM Zach: i guess i don’t know what a stag is because this looks like the chicago bucks to me
me: playing volleyball?
3:16 PM Zach: absolutely
greatest volleyball team of their time
3:17 PM me: These guys went the extra mile
http://www.sportslogos.net/logo.php?id=50393:18 PM Zach: pistons should definitely go back to the Tin Man
3:23 PM me: amazing. I like Foghorn Leghorn
and you gotta love the racism here
3:25 PM makes Chief Wahoo look like a historical photograph
3:26 PM Zach: I really miss the racism in logos
it’s a lost art

kings logo
Alice Walker just unsubscribed from the TalkHoops RSS feed.

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The NBA Logo Ranking Project:
#24 – Orlando Magic

by Jeff Garcia on August 24, 2009 at 11:57 am · 4 comments

Add one part basketball, one part glitter, one part male ejaculate and you’ve got the Orlando Magic logo. It looks like sperm. Seriously.

While we are at it, is there anything “magical” about it? I understand that the logo is supposed to be related to the Magic Kingdom at Disney World in Florida but, I repeat, where is the “magic” or any obvious link to Disney World? Are we to assume that the magic is in the stars trailing the basketball? Since when do stars equal magic? If you look at Orlando’s original logo, the organization kept the stars. And when they “changed” it, where was the change? It stayed basically the same except that the word Orlando is now atop the word Magic.

If you look at the Wizards’ logo, it is much more magical. Hey Orlando front office, try mixing in a wand, a top hat or even a deck of cards — anything would be more fitting than stars. Come on.

Let’s make it more appropriate.

I am going to throw out an idea for a redesign of Orlando’s logo and a name change. I suggest the Magic organization pay homage to the greatest magicians of all time. Doug Henning, David Copperfield and Penn and Teller could all be considered. But one magician stands head and shoulders above the rest: George Oscar Bluth aka GOB.

Who else can make yachts “disappear,” work with bow-tied seals, moonwalk while biting down on a knife and fill you with wonder as to where lighter fluid comes from? To him, a magic trick is no laughing matter — nor should it even be considered a trick at all, as he once informed his brother. “Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money … or candy.”

With that being said, I present to you the new look Orlando logo and name. Finally a logo capturing the essence of magic and guaranteed to strike fear in opponents.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Orlando Illusions.

Jeff Garcia is a New York-based lawyer/blogger/podcaster who writes for Project Spurs and c0-hosts the Spurscast podcast along with Michael De Leon, who created the below graphic. In his spare time, Jeff enjoys quoting a puppet named Franklin and praying that Manu Ginobli’s ankle holds up for another 100-game season.

Orlando_Illusions

Stars representing magic? There’s not a lot of logic to it. It’s kind of like on a boat with “Women and children first.”

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The NBA Logo Ranking Project

by Jared Wade on August 19, 2009 at 8:16 pm · 5 comments

The other day I was poking around this website of NBA logos past and present and realized that most of them aren’t particularly good. The NFL logos are so much simpler, cleaner and, most importantly, less reliant on words that it makes most of the NBA franchise selections look like Nick Jr. show graphics by comparison.

Then again, there are a couple that are great, and at least a few teams have shown some real progress by abandoning the misguided images that embarrassed their once-proud host cities. And next to a few historical NBA franchises who used logos more suitable for The Wizard of Oz or a Manifest Destiny promotional campaign, some of even the middling current ones aren’t horrible.

But the more I clicked around, the more I realized I have no idea which teams have the best logos and which have the worst. Thus, while the remaining must-read NBA news of the summer continues to be exciting reports such as this, I decided that I’m going to rank all the team logos from 30th to 1st over the next two weeks.

We’ll be doing one post for each logo and hopefully bang out a couple a day to get this thing completed before you all decide to never come back to this site ever again. And fortunately for you, I’ve reached out to several of your favorite internet NBA personalities to get their perspectives, mainly so I will not have to write them all, but also because there’s no chance I could keep this whole endeavor interesting single-handedly. So for the first time ever, we will be having some guest writers around these part. Exciting, I know.

Who are these mystery ladies and gentlemen, you ask? I could tell you, but you would just think I’m lying. Just stay tuned, okay? (Hint: Walter Cronkite will not be writing about the Thunder.)

Let the great experiment begin.

nick jr

These were the nine choices that didn’t quite make the cut to become the Oklahoma City Thunder logo.

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