While most of the NBA blogosphere has nobly spent its time pontificating about what will occur during the upcoming hoops season, we here at Both Teams Played Hard decided to piggyback on the current political fervor and go straight to the (fake) sources for a truly inside (and made-up) look at The State of the NBA Nation.
We’ve perused our (non-existent) Rolodex and narrowed down the selections to a veritable Mount Olympus of NBA experts to lend their authority to this season preview, including players, coaches, owners, legends, announcers, fans and possibly even a mascot. Over the next two weeks several months, we’ll be sharing their (mock) e-mails to give you a completely unique perspective on all 29 NBA teams, plus those dudes in Oklahoma.
We begin with The Atlantic Division, featuring:
- Darius Miles, new back-up forward of the Celtics
- Brook Lopez, rookie center of the Nets
- Walt “Clyde” Frazier, color commentator for the Knicks
- Elton Brand, new starting power forward of the 76ers
- Chris Bosh, All Star power forward of the Raptors
Take it away, (poorly impersonated) gentlemen.
The State of the Boston Celtics
by Darius Miles
The CHAMPS is here.
Yeah, baby, it’s great to be in Beantown.
Not since I was starring in The Perfect Score have I seen so many hard-working folks dedicated to their craft. The message of that film — and the lesson I learned when we was making it — is that nothing comes easy in this here life. You really gotta work your tail off if you ever wanna find success.
Scarlett Johansson motivated us all on the set and kept us on point. And KG is that dude here in the Land of the Leprechaun. And did you see his new commercial? Oooh-wee. The Kid’s got some acting chops. Dude nailed it.
And that’s the message for us this year. The Little Things. Keep working. Keep going. Keep pluggin. Keep on keeping on. I mean, me and the rest of the The Big 4 know it aint gonna be easy to make it back to the top of the mountain again, but we’re committed and we’re not overlooking anybody. We know that Deeee-troit basketball is always tough. LeBron and them will be doing their thing. Flash, Matrix and now Mike BEASTley will be tough. Atlanta, Philly, DC…they’re all a problem.
But we feel like if we play our best, no one can beat us this year. Like I said, we just have to do the work. The little things. Kevin says that’s what makes the champs the champs.
And you best believe that’s just what I’ll be doing on the court once I get back from that little time-out Stern gave me for my little mysterious transgression. I just want to show all the DMiles fans — and all the haters too, LOL — that DMiles is back. I’m ready. I’ve been working hard. Me and Scalabrine have been working on the coordinated fist-bump-to-the-dome too and it’s rejuvenation time for that. Believe that. Q’s out…B’s in. What, what.
We’re all just ready for the season to start. Paul says he’s healthier than he’s been in years after the summer. My man Ray Ray is on a mission to prove he isn’t washed up — that’s really brought us together, ’cause people were saying that about me like four years ago. Kendrick is a load inside. Rajon reminds me of Z-Bo the way he be thievin’ in practice. Quick hands on that kid. Leon and the Notorious BIG Baby keep it rollin’. And you should see this Billy Sky Walker, kid. Oh my god. He’s like a young me out there the way he bangs on people. There’s really no weaknesses if we keep healthy.
All that plus DMiles equals: “Look out rest of the League.” I’m not tryna be cocky or give no one any bulletin board material or nothing. Cause that’s not the Celtic way and we do have a long road ahead. And we’re the Champs so we got the big ol’ bull’seye on our back now. It’s gonna be tough.
But we’ve got the nose to the grindstone and we are still the Champs. We might have lost Posey, but when you got the Big 3 plus D (Miles), it’s good things. Real good things.
Shout out to Eddie House.
The NBA is awesome. Man, it’s so cool. My brother Robin always told me it was gonna be so great, but I really didn’t know it was gonna be so awesome or so cool. It’s like a dream come true but better cause it’s a dream you didn’t even ever have cause nothing this sweet has happened while you’ve ever been sleeping. It’s like if you could dream in 3-D, I think. Did you ever see that Captain Neo thing at Disney World? Me and Robin’s parents took us there when were super little kids and I don’t really remember anything that happened as in the plot stuff but it had Michael Jackson back before he was a kiddie rapist and when he was still the King of Pop and it had all these crazy things that came out of the screen and jumped at you like “Blaaah.” If you didn’t see it you should go cause it’s really friggin’ sweet. That’s kinda what the NBA is like.
The State of the New York Knicks
by Walt “Clyde” Frazier
The moves and grooves to shake-up the make up of the New York Knickerbockers this summer were exhilarating and stimulating for Big Apple fanatics. The hiring and firing commenced when master harasser Isiah Thomas was terminated in order to orchestrate a change of regime and a change of scene for long-time Pacer General Manager Donnie Walsh. But that wasn’t the only aggressively impressive transition via addition.
Jim Dolan went strolling across the pond to the nation known for tailoring a fine suit and looking like a boot to draft the versatile Italian kid with style, Danilo Gallinari. Then he headed to the desert to find the mustachioed connoisseur of pistachios, Mike D’Antoni. In Italy, they called Danilo The Rooster and, in Phoenix, D’antoni was an offensive booster, so we should be in for a three-point barrage from the Garden entourage all season long.
Cats like Nate the Great, Jamal and Q are guaranteed to thrive and jive in the new system, but we know a guy like Eddy Curry, who I’ve personally witnessed piss liquid butter and kiss fluffernutter, is gonna struggle to juggle the fast pace. And who knows if Steph can be stay in step with the new crew or if the New York faithful will just show up to boo?
Inevitably and regrettably, the season is all gonna hinge on whether the fox in the box gets Sam I Am to eat green eggs and ham here or there, but as an objective and elective journalist I can neither presuppose or now compose the answer to such an always-timeless, never-rhymeless inquisition.
You guys might have heard about my summer. Some things got blown out of proportion and the media really ran with all that he-said, she-said stuff out in Los Angeles, but that’s all in the past now. I’m in Philadelphia. And I’m proud to be a Sixer. The only other thing I have to say about the whole situation is to wish all the players, the assistant coaches, the trainers and the waterboys the best of luck. That franchise is lucky to have those people courtside. They have the chance to be a good team if they can overcome their one weakness.
Who else is going to be a good team is the Philadelphia 76ers. I was thrilled to get the opportunity to come to a team that has so many young, athletic guys. They were already successful last year and you could really see why when they all came together after the All Star Break. I just want to jump in and fit in and help us be even better.
Igoudala is one of the most athletic guys in the League. Thaddeus Young and Louis Williams are both beasts. There’s no limit to how far we can go if those guys can continue to improve. Iggy’s almost an All Star already and he’s still getting better everyday. But the real key to the whole team last year, I thought, was Andre Miller. He’s been so great in this League for so long and never gotten his due. He’s had like 14 ppg and 8 apg like five times and never even been an All Star. That’s crazy. He’s maybe the most underrated player in the whole League.
Half of what makes him so good is that he doesn’t care about the stats and All Star Games and all that. I’ve known him forever and he’s just a really laid-back, professional guy. That’s one of the things that really made me wanna come here. Trying to be the one vet on a team of young kids is tough, but with me, him, Reggie Evans, Theo Ratliff and Donyell, we have a bunch of guys to show the younger guys what the Playoffs are like and teach them how to win.
I mean, these guys almost beat Detroit last year and a kid like Thaddeus was a 19-year-old playing 25 mpg and averaging like 10 ppg and 5 rebounds. That may not sound like a lot, but just from seeing him in camp I’ll guarantee he’s going to put up some 30/10 games this year. Just watch. You already know about Andre and Sam. And now that we can run the offense through me a little more, it’s going to allow them to focus on defense. That’s Sam’s forte already, but Iggy can lock it down too. Now that he doesn’t need to take 20 shots every night, it’s going to be bad news for the guys he’s guarding.
All in all, I couldn’t be more excited to be back in the Eastern Conference and — more importantly — in Philadelphia. The East is wide open outside of Boston and we all feel like we have a definite shot at the Finals.
The State of the Toronto Raptors
by Chris Bosh
This is Chris Bosh and I’m offering you an Opening Day special, a Halloween special and pre-Thanksgiving special look at the 2008-09 Toronto Raptors. LMAO!!1!!
Seriously though, I couldn’t be more ready for this season to start. All me and Jermaine have been doing is counting down the days. We’re hungry. Last year we made the Playoffs and although it was a tough series with the Magic, I got the feeling that a few of the guys here were just happy to be there. I don’t fault them for that — I felt the same way the first time I was there — but there’s a feeling in camp this year that things are different. This year things are serious.
A lot of that should be credited to JO. He’s a pro’s pro and he’s already taught me a lot. People have always compared us, I guess, since we’re the same size and have similar all-around 20/10 games to show, and both take a lot of jumpers. We’ve of course been melding on the court and getting our Twin Towers on, but guess what NBA? Blane Harrington‘s got a new friend too. You won’t see the YouTube until the All Star game, but I’ll give you a four-word hint: “Theodore Von Excalibur VII.”
And, oh yeah, even though none of em can act, Jose, that Andrea chick and a bunch of these other European dudes are really good too. I think we have a good shot at the Finals if we get by Boston.
Yup, it’s gonna be a good year.