Both Teams Played Hard
Both Teams Played Hard

Live. From. New. York. It’s. The. NBA. Draft.

Okay, I’m actually sitting on a couch in an apartment in Queens, but I’m still likely closer to Madison Square Garden than you.

Three big pre-draft transactions to report before we start:

1. Jermaine O’neal, Pick #41 and JO’s $20 million salary goes from Indy to Toronto for TJ Ford, Pick #17, Rasho Nesterovic and Maceo Baston.
2. Richard Jefferson goes from New Jersey to Milwaukee for Yi Jianlian and Bobby Simmons.
3. The Fourth Pick goes from Seattle to Los Angeles (Clippers) for the Seventh Pick and and unprotected 1st Round pick next year.

And actually live and present at MSG, we have Stuart Scott, Jay “Wingspans Give Me Boners” Bilas, Dick “Tapioca” Vitale, Mark Jackson, Jeff Van Gundy and Fran “hola and bonjour” Franchilla to guide us through the proceedings. I really hope that’s enough people. Luckily, there are another 30 or so strategically placed ESPN reporters at empty gyms around the country from Miami to Chicago to Seattle that may be able to fill in the event of a crisis.

Let’s get after it.

(NBAE/Getty Images)

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7:30 - Stern rocks the mic. “Welcome to New York and Madison Square Garden….home of the New York Knicks and the WNBA’s New York Liberty.” Give it up dude.

The Bulls already announced they are taking Derrick Rose earlier today, so these five minutes will be anti-climactic. It does give us time to check out the Kia Scouting Report for Chicago, which according to Stu Scott features “a bevy of guards.” All four studio “analysts” think the Bulls should trade someone to make way for Rose. Thanks. Van Gundy adds that Chicago should also “fortify their defensive intensity.” Clearly.

But forget Derrick Rose…the best part of the Bulls offseason is the return to NBA prominence of new Chicago coach, former San Antonio Spur mad-bomber and 12-time All-Hair First-Teamer: Vinny of the Black. What a pimp.

7:38 - Surprise…the Bulls take Rose. Let’s see what we learn: (1) His nickname is Pooh, apparently cause he likes honey (”sweet” says Stu Scott), and (2) He can “dunk with his elbows” according to Jay Bilas.

Now comes the part everyone was waiting for: The post-pick interview with STEVEN A. SMITH. And…that couldn’t have been more boring. How about his mom interviewed by an aged female “sideline” reporter? “I’m very happy,” she says. Well, there ya go.

7:43 - Miami Heat are up. They take Michael Beasley. The speculation was that team president and mob boss Pat Riley wanted OJ Mayo, so this pick could get traded. I’m not sure why they don’t just keep him. Dude led the NCAA in rebounding, was third in scoring and has “arms that extend beyond normal human limits,” according to Bilas, who is fortunately sitting behind a desk. “Sideline” reporter Doris Burke (same aged lady from before) interviews ma dukes. “Words cannot describe it.” Okay, that’s the last time I’ll relay family interviews. Back in the interview with Beasley, Stevie A. asks “What is Miami getting in Michael Beasley?” Beasley: “A great player, a hard worker, a good rebounder and a fun-loving guy off the court.” Funny, I forget to mention that final part in my last job interview.

7:48 - Minnesota is up with the 3rd Pick. They take OJ Mayo, who’s real name we learn is Ovinton J’Anthony. Mayo is unfortunately not short for Mayonaise, however, because Ovinton J’Anthony Mayonaise sounds like a condiment brand people would put on French fries in Amsterdam. Also unfortunately, he is the third guy who has failed to dress in a ridiculous suit and actually looks pretty slick: Sleek tie, debonair glasses (a first at the NBA Draft?), cream suit with a vest, and brown and white hard-bottoms. Jay Bilas agrees: “I like his package.”

Unfortunately, fewer and fewer NBA prospects are willing to dress like clowns. (NBAE/Getty Images)

UPDATE: Minny ended up trading Mayo, Antoine Walker, Marco Jaric and Greg Buckner to Memphis for #5 pick Kevin Love, Mike Miller, Jason Collins and Brian Cardinal.

7:54 - Seattle takes Russell Westbrook from UCLA. This is the 12th straight year a UCLA Bruin has been drafted, we learn. This guy is a stretch as he is a little under-the-radar, but he’s a good combo guard who was the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year and played a lot of point there when Darren Collison was out with injury. Also “the best individual defender in the Draft” says Bilas. Seattle’s ROY Kevin Durant is in attendance for some reason (apparently no one told him he couldn’t get drafted to another team this year) and approves of Westbrook, although it sounds like he has never met him somehow.

8:01 - The Grizz take big man Kevin Love, also of UCLA, with Pick #5. Solid suit. Looks like he’s about to lay some people off. ESPN says he has good pickandpopability. They also show footage of him sticking full-court chest-pass shots during practice, which is admittedly unreal. In his interview with Steven A., he sounds very well-spoken. If he’s white but looks dumb…is that still racist? Even better, his dad looks like he could be a bathed, shaved and suited-up ship captain from The Deadliest Catch.

8:06 - Now’s the time we’ve all been waiting for: The Knicks are up. I can’t wait to see how Donnie Walsh disappoints these fans. They want Jerryd Bayless, I believe. I know they don’t want the Italian kid. Come on, Donnie…Take the Italian. Come on…do it.

Stern steps to the mic. “With the 6th Pick in the NBA Draft, the New York Knicks select: Danilo Gallinari.” I’ll let Stuart Scott tell you the response: “Mostly a chorus of boos…although a few people are cheering.” Just feel the excitement of the Post-Isiah Era. The fans had to see them drafting “The Rooster” (that’s amazing) after they hired known pizza-afficionado Mike D’Antoni. Fraschilla thinks The Rooster has the potential to be “a Derek Jeter-type figure in New York.” Back in the booth, JVG and Jax have clearly never heard of him and don’t think they get paid enough to do research. Bilas says the same thing he says about everyone: “Talent…upside…could turn out be a good pick for them.” Thanks for coming out.

8:12 - The Annual Clippers Lottery Pick is one of the greatest moments in sports at #7. They take Eric Gordon of Indiana, who is wearing Bogart’s suit coat from Casablanca over a black and white pin-striped shirt. Better still, the shirt has an executive-style collar of a different color (white, obviously), a black tie, a black pocket handkerchief and black slacks. Now that’s what I’m talking about, NBA Draft. A little late, but I knew you’d show up.

You’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life. (NBAE/Getty Images)

8:18 - Milwaukee Bucks take relative unknown Joe Alexander, who, in complete news to me, is white. I had heard he was uber-athletic and a good defender so I just assumed…yeah…okay…that was probably racist. He also speaks with absolutely no inflection in his voice. I’m not sure if he was answering questions or demonstrating what to do if an oxygen mask falls from the ceiling. “I…am…really…excited…to…be…a…Buck.” Very convincing, Joseph.

8:24 - Larry Brown and Michael Jordan on the clock for the Charlotte Bobcats at #9. I’m guessing they take either Danny Manning or James Worthy. Nope. DJ Augustin. Horrible pick. Dude is like 5′4″. Meanwhile, I’m a Pacers fan and we have pick #11 and for some who-the-fuck-knows-why reason, Arizona PG/SG Jerryd Bayless is still on the board. New Jersey is up next but just traded their Hall of Fame PG Jason Kidd for a young replacement PG of the future (Devin Harris), so they should pass too. I’m visibly excited. This must be how Jay Bilas feels when he’s thinking about wingspan.

8:30 - NJ selects future bust Brook Lopez, a center from Stanford. Holy wow. Sorry folks…but between trading away JO and his $20 million contract yesterday and (for God’s sake better) drafting Jerryd Bayless at #11, I’m out of my mind right now. This is maybe more ridiculous than when Danny Granger fell to the Pacers at #17 in 2004. So let me get this right…nothing can ever go right for Indiana except for in the Draft when the season’s over? Is that the rule? Is it like Robert Paulson having a name in Project Mayhem only after he dies? Whatever. I’ll take it. But does this mean TJ Ford will shatter his vertebrae in November? I’ll still take it.

Meanwhile…Sideline reporter lady is interviewing Brook’s twin brother and co-future bust Robin, who expects to be drafted soon. His brother surprisingly thinks NJ “got a steal at #10.” More importantly, he doesn’t seem that interested in anything related to his brother and “just can’t wait until it’s me up there.” Brook is also dressed hilariously: pinstriped tan suit with a pink shirt, peach tie and a white sweater vest. You’re trying too hard, Kanye. So, NJ now has gotten Brook Lopez, Yi Jialian and Bobby Simmons today. Not too bad…not too good, either. Regardless, the team payroll is now very low and all GM Rod Thorn and Hov need to do now is con someone into taking Half-Man, Half-A-Season’s contract off their hands in the next two years, and Bron Bron The Chosen One can come home to Brooklyn.

8:35 - Pacers up at #11 and they obviously take Jerryd Bayless. Unreal. I just peed a bit. He was projected to go 4th overall about three weeks ago on every mock draft. Did he get cancer since then? Seeing as how the Pacer’s other newest edition has a congenital spine disorder, let’s hope not. And guess what? Jerryd Bayless is rocking an ALL WHITE SUIT, TIE and SHOES. He’s already my favorite Pacer.

8:41 - Sacto is up with #12 and they take someone who is not in the building. Apparently his name is Jason Thompson and he went to a school called Rider. JR Rider? The Maloofs have to hope not. Also, looks like he was the MAAC Defensive Player of the Year…so yeah…there’s that.

8:45 - Update on ESPN’s oh-so-useful crawler: “Indiana Pacers select Jerryd Bayless — Fan Grade: A.” Real Cracker-Jack work, Scoop.

8:47 - Portland is up at #13. Once again they just take the clearly best player available, Brandon Rush of Kansas. He will definitely wind up being a 12-year NBA player and no worse than the sixth best player in this Draft. Just like the year they took Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge, two uber-productive and unquestionably solid NCAA veterans, Portland continues to “outsmart” everyone by just taking really good basketball players instead of valuing arm-length, vertical leaps and the number of jumping jacks someone can do on the first Sunday after the second Saturday in May. How novel.

8:51 - Golden State takes Anthony Randolph of LSU with the last pick in the Lottery. He’s the 7th freshman taken in the Lottery, which is a record for anyone that gives a flying fuck. Don’t know anything about this guy but all my concerns are alleviated when Bilas tells me about his 7′3″ wingspan that has “considerable linear extension into space.” Thomas Pynchon couldn’t make that up.

Vitale gives his analysis of the draft so far. First three picks were “lock city.” He’s shocked Seattle passed on Love, presumably cause he’s white. He’s also pretending to know something about the Italian the Knicks took. He makes a compelling case: “Gallinari and D’Antoni…sounds like a great Italian restaurant.” Should I be scared, embarrassed or depressed that my jokes are his actual thoughts?

8:57 - Phoenix takes Brook’s twin Robin Lopez at #15. And it only takes 30 seconds for us to see the only thing we’ll ever remember about this guy: The image of him resting his Suns baseball cap on top of his Sideshow Bob hair.

“Why don’t people take me seriously?” (NBAE/Getty Images)

9:03 - Philly takes Marreese Speights of Florida with the 16th Pick. Stu Scott says he’s the first Gator taken but that we should remember last year when “Florida had a bevy of players taken in the First Round.” Someone got a Word of the Day calendar for Father’s Day.

9:07 - Indiana Pacers up again for #17 that they got from the JO trade. Meanwhile, I’m sort of shitting a brick because there is a rumor that Larry Bird traded Bayless to Portland for Brandon Rush, PG Jarrett Jack and Duke-scrub Josh McRoberts. That better not be true.

David Stern announces 7′2 center Roy Hibbert of Georgetown. After losing Jermaine O’Neal, that makes sense, although it’s a little disheartening to hear that, when he first got to college Coach John Thompson 3 used to call him “The Big Stiff.” No word on whether or not Stan Van Gundy filed suit for copyright infringement.

9:13 - Best moment of the draft so far: A flashback of Brook and Robin Lopez earlier as they were mic’d up waiting to get picked. Brook is like “This is sooo boooring” and then flops forward in exasperation. Next scene shows him talking to his brother saying “[My agent] just texted me to sit up straight cause I’m on TV.” Then, Brook asks who NJ’s GM is and someone says tells him it’s Kiki Vanderweighe and also that the manager is Lawrence Frank. Brook’s response: “The manager is Lawrence Frank?!??” The best part is that he talks like Farva from Supertroopers.

9:15 - Snatch-fucking-tacular. Of course. I don’t even know why I’m surprised. Jerryd Bayless is traded from Indiana (along with Ike Diogu) to Portland for Brandon Rush and mediocre PG Jarrett Jack. Since Brandon’s brother Kareem Rush plays for Indy, he’s probably very happy about it. At least that makes one person in the entire state. Goddamn it. I don’t know why I even thought that wouldn’t happen. Sometimes I forget I’m a Pacers fan. I might move to New Orleans. And, yes, partially to root for CP3; but mainly to wait for Katrina Part II to end my misery.

Nice hat. (NBAE/Getty Images)

9:19 - I missed #18 looking for a razor blade, but some jerkoff named JaVale McGee from some dipshit school I don’t care about was taken by some team I like a lot more than the Pacers.

9:22 - The Cavs take JJ Hickson at #19. He’s not here. Guess who is though? The proverbial Last Guy in the Green Room Darrell Arthur. Supposedly he has kidney problems too. Good times. At least they probably have cranberry juice in there.

9:25 - Charlotte Bobcats are up. Stu Scott was talking about Larry Brown and all the good PGs he’s had play for him. “He would know about PGs…he’s had a bevy of them.” Bobcats take Alexis Ajinca of France. So far, “he hasn’t been a productive player in the French Pro League,” Fraschilla informs us. But have no fear Bobcats fan (Hi Timmy!) he has an amazing wingspan. And Stu Scott does a double take: “Wait…he’s 7′0 tall and has a 7′8″ wingspan?” And it looks like Darrell Arthur wasn’t the only guy left in the building cause Frenchy was here too. I guess they meant Arthur was the only guy here not headed directly to the D-League.

9:30 - Jerryd Bayless is being interviewed about being traded to Portland. Larry Bird jumps into frame, grabs the mic and says “Hey Indiana…Tell me how my ass tastes.”

9:33 - With #22, New Jersey takes the 6′10″ Ryan Anderson of Cal with its second 1st Round pick. And, hey, he’s white too. So along with the Yi Jianlian pick-up earlier today, they’ve now added Brook Lopez and Ryan Anderson. Are they moving to Brooklyn or Staten Island? If what you say is true, the Wu Tang and the Shaolin could be dangerous. En guard.

9:38 - Orlando takes Courtney Lee of Western Kentucky at #23. He looks like an athletic two-guard — exactly what they need on the perimeter next to Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis. Yup…feel the excitement.

9:42 - Jazz are up for #23. According to JVG, “All I know is don’t bring any softies to play for Jerry Sloan.” Who do they take? The 7′0, three-point shooting Kosta Koufos of Ohio State. Let’s hear Bilas’ take: “He’s a finesse center…he needs to get stronger…he’s not a defensive presence.” You’re welcome, Mr. Sloan.

It’s always tough to pass up adding another soft big man for your front court. (NBAE/Getty Images)

9:47 - ESPN is currently showing a behind-the-scenes look at “The Anatomy of Indiana’s Pick” and showing all the phone calls and scrambling that goes on in back of the curtain after a mid-Draft trade. The ESPN CEO and Mickey Mouse should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Fuck you guys.

9:50 - Seattle takes Serge Ibaka of Congo at #24. He’s the youngest and rawest player in the draft. Fraschilla: “If you’re a Sonics fan, forget this name for three or four years…But three or four years from now, he could be a great shotblocker.” Dude is full of fan-friendly news tonight. He also has 17 siblings (Ibaka, not Fran). Meanwhile, JVG just dropped a gem on ‘em by questioning Ibaka’s “Must Improve” graphic. “How do you improve your experience?”

9:56 - Houston takes another French player in guard Nicolas Batum at #25. Fran says he doesn’t have a lot of “escapability,” which apparently has something to do with ball-handling. This guy was also in MSG, presumably eating crepes and wearing horizontally striped shirts with his buddy Alexis. But Darrell Arthur is the only guy in the Green Room still, and the reason seems to be the “undisclosed” kidney condition that he (read: his agent) wouldn’t allow teams to conduct blood work on.

10:01 - With #26, San Antonio takes George Hill of IUPUI, better known as Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis. That’s catchy. He’s only 6′2″ and sort of a tweener guard, but Bilas likes his length and his wingspan, which “is about 6′8″.”

10:08 - With the 27th pick, Portland (whose $16 billion owner bought this pick from Nawlins) takes Mr. Green Room. And for the first time tonight, the Knicks fans cheer. I think missing the 1st Round for a guy in the Green Room would have been unprecedented. Although, after seeing the tie he’s wearing, I would have passed on him too. Also, his mom looks like Biggie and recently quit her job as a truck driver. I’m not even mocking…that’s actually really cool. The truck-driving part, I mean.

10:14 - Memphis is up and you have to expect them to take Memphis University product Chris-Douglas Roberts, who along with #1 pick Derrick Rose helped led the Tigers to the NCAA Finals this year. He might not be a great, great pro, but he was a hell of a college scorer and has a herky-jerky, lanky style that I think will translate…at least offensively.

And after all that, Memphis takes Syracuse F Donte’ Greene at #28. Sweet. I know nothing about this guy anyway, so at least you know a little more about CDR (who has no reason to still be on the board) instead. As a wise cartoon character told me, knowing is half the battle.

10:23 - With #29, the Pistons take DJ White, the undersized PF from Indiana. He’s “a hard-hat player” according to Bilas. Meanwhile, Stu Scott mentioned that White is the first Indiana Hoosier taken by Detroit since Isiah Thomas. The entire New York crowd boos uproariously.

10:31 - With pick #30, the World Champ Celtics take JR Giddens, a 6′4″ guard from New Mexico, who I didn’t see play much last year but always thought was talented when he played at Kansas before he transferred. I have no more to say on him, but they also just announced that DJ White was traded to Seattle for two 2nd Round picks: #32 and #46.

And on that anti-climactic note, the 1st Round is over.

Thus, so is this.

* Editor’s note: The Jay Bilas nickname was handed out before the draft ever started. He’s really that predictable at this point.

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