**** So this is awkward. Part 2 never really happened in full given a string of nice weather followed by a week out of town, followed by a bunch of other crap coming up. But, hey, here’s an abbreviated version of what would have been just cause I care and I know you were all on the edge of your seats (Hi Mom). Just roll with it, okay? ****
After the conclusion of The Wire last month, I was convinced that, in terms of pure quality of programming, I would never have a parallel TV-watching experience. When it comes to creative works, that’s still probably true.
This year’s Western Conference Playoffs, however, has the potential to be the best thing to ever appear on television. To put things in proper perspective, the worst First Round match-up features an “underdog” that features a Top 50 player of all time, a potential Hall of Famer and the reigning Defensive Player of the Year.
So…to preview each team’s chances in what hope to be some of the best NBA Playoff series (serieses? seriesi?) ever played, we’re gonna let characters from the final season of the best television series of all time do the talking.
The other day we did the first half.
Here’s the last — and certainly least — half.
Toronto Raptors
“Shining up shit and calling it gold.” – Cedric Dainels
Not much to say here. These guys are softer than rabbit feet.
vs.
Orlando Magic
“Tomorrow aint promised to no one. Meanwhile, we go on.” – Marlo
The similarities are somewhat eerie between the Magic of today and the Magic of Young Shaq.
One all-world, cyborg-esque man child ripping down backboards nightly and legitimately doing at least three things every game that make you say “Fuck me sideways, there’s no way that happened” and a bunch of three point bombers on the perimeter. The role of D3’s “plays above his talent level and has bowling ball sized melons when it comes to taking and making clutch shots” is being played by Hedo, and the Nick Anderson role of “now you see me score 25, now you don’t” is being held down admirably by Rasard.
Unfortunately, there’s no Penny. And there’s not even a Lil’ Penny. I mean, there’s not even a Scott Skiles.
They need to make a decision on Jameer soon. Because, before ya know it, Dwight is gonna be a free agent just like Shaq was.
And contrary to popular belief, Orlando may not be the Happiest Place on Earth for the Big Fella shortly. It could be a Wild Ride. They don’t wanna find out It’s A Small World After All. This summer is the time to make a Splash (Mountain). Losing Dwight could turn the O-Renas into a Tower of Terror.
Should I keep going? Cause I’ve got more. This is gold, Jerry…gold.
Denver Nuggets
“You’re his partner in crime. You know what it is he can and can’t do. If in the end this is all there is to him—if he can’t be better than this—I just wanna know.” – Beadie
AI is a Hall of Famer. Camby is the reigning DPOY. What’s ‘Melo? Bernard King 2.0 with good knees? Or a shorter Derrick Coleman who don’t snitch?
We won’t really find out this year, given that they’re not beating LA regardless of what Melo does, and granted, he’s still not even 24…but we should have a pretty good idea of what Melo will be within the next two years.
vs.
Los Angeles Lakers
“He was the black sheep. The permanent pariah. He asked no quarter of the bosses and none was given. He learned no lessons. He acknowledged no mistakes. He was as stubborn a Mick as ever stumbled out the Northeast parishes to take a patrolman’s shield. He did what he wanted to do and he said what he wanted to say, and in the end, he gave you the clearances. He was natural po-lice. Yes he was. And I don’t say that often about many people — not even when they’re on the felt here — not unless it happens to be true. Natural poe-lice…But Christ…what an asshole. And I’m not talking about the gaping orifice that all of us possess. I mean an all-encompassing, all-consuming, out-of-proportion-to-every-other-facet-of-his-humanity chasm from whose born, if I may quote Shakespeare, ‘no traveler has ever returned.’” – Jay Landsman
Last summer, Kobe was the biggest prick on the planet. Now he’s the MVP. The best part is that the entire turn of events that occurred this year are not in the least bit surprising. If there’s one thing you can always count on, it’s Mamba being Mamba.
Philadelphia 76ers
“They changed up.” – Omar
Well, lookie here…Philly actually has a team. These young cats put up an admirabe showing in the Second Half of the year and found themselves a 7-seed. It’s doubtful they can keep it up against MoTown, but Thaddeus Young is looking like a great pick and they sure at least started to prove all the doubters wrong who wondered why take him when you already have Iggy and Carney. Seems Andre Miller sure showed everyone why they were better off keeping him instead of giving him away at wholesale price before the All Star Break. Mo Cheeks may as well get in on this “Fuck the Haters” party, too, while we’re at it.
Should be the most promising off-season in sometime in Philly.
vs.
Detroit Pistons
“Did somebody not get the message?” – Thomas Carcetti
Yeah, the Celtics and possibly even Cleveland are for real. There’s no way Detroit gets to the Finals this year with the same “We’ll try when we need to” attitude that’s held them back the past two seasons. Also…be careful, Jason Maxiell eats babies.
Atlanta Hawks
“Young’n on some different opinion shit.” – Snoop
Apparently, the Hawks think they have a shot in this thing. I like the confidence. Hope to see it again next year.
vs.
Boston Celtics
“The game is the game.” – Marlo
“Always.” – Avon
Let’s not kid ourselves…This is the NBA.
The best team is the team with the best players.
Always.
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