Both Teams Played Hard
Both Teams Played Hard

I swear that I got no insider tips from Martha Stewart or otherwise yesterday on those NOLA prognostications. And if you doubt my integrity, it’s okay ‘casue (A) Jesus loves me, and (B) I know my role.

What role is that you ask?

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The Florida votes are in, Mayor McCheese and John Edwards are out of the race, and McCain still looks like Vader after he took off the helmet.

I know what you’re thinking: Who gives a Goddamn? No one. But the coaches’ votes for the All Star reserves will be made public tomorrow and I needed a lead-in for this post. So shut up.

So with 0% of the districts reporting so far from New Orleans, BTPH is calling the victory for these fourteen ballas, shot callas and dudes with lots of baby mammas.

East

G - Chauncey
Will start if JKidd is traded West. Or to the 85 Bears.

G - Rip
Best screen reader in the League is quietly shooting above 50% from the field. And now with more threes…at a 46.8% clip.

F - Pierce
KG brings the fire, passion and swagger. Truth brings the points in the clutch.

F - Caron
Tough Juice = The best nickname in the League and the most qualified All Star resume in the East.

C - Bosh
Apologies to Big Z, but there are too many good forwards to include a real center. Plus, of course, this.

WC - Jamison
Second only to Dwight Howard in most double-doubles in the East.

WC - Joe Johnson
You’d think he was better if he didn’t always require two names. Help yourself out with a new moniker, dude. Turbo does not recommend Wolf.

West

G - Chris Paul
Even Stevie Wonder can see that CP3 should be starting at PG. And, yes, those rhymes were freestyle. Turn my headphones up.

G - Nash
No doubt abooot this one either, eh.

F - Booze
I heard his father was a Boozer, too.

F - Dirk
Just cause the numbers are mildly pedestrian for him doesn’t mean they’re not really good.

C - Amare
Could have been Camby. And if you put their skill sets together, you might have the best player in the League. But I’m not much of a scientist and don’t really like either guy individually, so I can’t say I particularly care.

WC - Roy
After a 13-game win streak and going 20-7 since November, it would be more felonious than the JailBlazers to leave dude off the roster.

WC - David West
This last spot could go to like ten other people (Mr. Longoria/GINOBLI!, BDiddy/Cpt. Jack, Josh Howard, Camby, Matrix, Tyson Chandler). But I have to imagine that when a city still recovering from the worst disaster in U.S. history is both trying desperately to reach attendance levels that will keep its team from relocating and also hosting the All Star Game, the other coaches in the League would have to be special types of douchebags to not punch the ticket of a beast PF averaging 20/10 for the best team in West who happens to play in said city. It’s an exhibition and they all deserve it. So do the right thing like Spike.

There really is little better in life than hearing such Confucian wisdom from a former NBA tweener with a girl’s name who hadn’t even entered your stream of consciousness in a half-dozen years. Presumably, you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Don’t worry, baby birds, I’ll feed ya.

And here’s the Dana Barros transcript for those of yall too lazy to sit through a two-minute Semi-Pro trailer:

“When you start talking about bringing people together in a sweaty bathtub — black/white, big/tall, skinny/fat, midget/giant — bringing ‘em together in a sweaty bathtub…how much more together can you get than that?”

It’s hard to nitpick with such unadulterated greatness, but given the presence of so many former Celtics and broadcast booth mate “Tommy Point!” Heinsohn, would it really have been that difficult to dig up Bob Cousy solely so we could hear him pronounce Dana’s last name?

And, I’m not a professional movie critic, but I’m pretty sure a Dino Radja sighting would have clinched that Academy Award. Amateurs.

Ryne Nelson over at Odenized posted another of the always popular “Separated at Birth” candidates the other day. Here’s the video, which for some reason was shown on the jumbotron in Oracle Arena.

I didn’t see it at first, but there are actually some real similarities. Both are skinny and light-skinned with big ears. And the noses, chins and grins do bare a resemblance. With the Pacers now starting Kareem Rush at the two, I wouldn’t be surprised if Barry “The Bomber” Obama could score himself a 10-day contract with Indy. If not, maybe Barack will dump Hibachi and put Uncle Reggie on the ticket.