Both Teams Played Hard
Both Teams Played Hard

Who knows what was going through Kevin Harlan’s mind when he yelled that phrase after LeBron touched the sky (perhaps the Bill Simmons suicide watch?), but that call now ranks right up there with “a spec-TAC-u-lar move” and “…underneath to DJ and he lays it in” on the All-Time list.

Okay, maybe not. And yeah, he has used it before.

How ’bout them Celtics?

This is getting ridiculous. I think we all thought LeBron would take over a game or two and stretch this to six or maybe even seven games. But the Cavs are winning without him even doing anything other-worldly. Sure, he played well late, hit some big threes and had that “no regard for human life” dunk that embarrassed KG’s kids, but he still hasn’t even “gone Bron Bron” on the C’s.

The real question on everyone’s mind, however, is did we ever find out why he yelled at that lady to “sit your ass down” after Paul Pierce tried to tackle him into the fifth row? Was that actually his mom? Was it his grand-daughter? Chris Bosh’s girlfriend?

Really, who cares about Boston’s road woes. They’re probably not even getting past Detroit at this rate and they’re certainly not beating whoever survives the San Antonio/New Orleans/Los Angeles/Utah gauntlet.

So let’s just solve this mystery of King James and The Kingdom of the Sit Your Ass Down by morning, eh?

UPDATE: Turns out that really was his mom. Good work, Mystery Machine.

Since being re-discovered by C-Notes the other day, this throw-back Delonte West master-interview has been making the NBA blogosphere rounds.

I am not sure exactly what he’s talking about the whole time, but what I am sure of is that he has a future as both a philosophy professor and a Tibetan monk when his playing career is done.

What a scholar.

But, that’s not all ladies. Oh, no, no, no.

As evidenced by this summary of of every woman’s Valentine’s Day dream date, he’s both a gentleman and a scholar.

Don’t be shy, girls…It’s only a birthmark.

In what many are calling the coup of the century, GM guru Donnie Walsh convinved Mike D’Antoni to take over the most dyfunctional clan of outcasts, headcases and overpaid gluttons in all of the Association. Well, I guess it’s not that hard to convince a guy of anything when you give him $24 million.

Still, no one expected Mr. Seven Seconds or Less to wind up on 34th Street when the situation in Chi-Town seemed so ready-made for success. Many though Hinrich, Gordon and Luol could have been a quality JV replica of Nash, Barbosa and Marion, with uber-athlete Tyrus Thomas doing his best Amare impression and human pinball Joakim Noah fitting in just fine. Put Larry Hughes in the Raja Bell role and you pretty much have Phoenix Lite. Plus you have Drew Gooden to stick jumpers, rebound and defend a little, and you have Andris Nocioni to add some blue-collar grit simply by being his douchebaggy self.

Trying to fit D’Antoni’s style into the Knicks roster is a little more square-peg-round-hole-ish. There are definitely a few things D’Antoni can work with. Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson and Q, who led the NBA in three-pointers made under Mike, will all fit in well (when healthy, in Quentin’s case). David Lee can fit in anywhere. Balkman couldn’t hit water from a boat with his jumper, so that hurts, but he can play some defense and he can certainly fly around in transition. Wilson Chandler looked promising towards the end of the year and may fit in.

“Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team.
They are not flexible…Nor am I. Is that clear?”

None of these guys are ideal for D’Antoni, honesly, but they can be servicable one would think. The real problem will be the three bozos: Stephon, Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry.

Steph has to be out, right? I mean, it wouldn’t matter who was coaching, I would hope. Donnie Walsh needs to trade his expiring contract away this summer or just suck it up and buy him out. Those are the only two options, right? You can’t let him suit up.

Eddy Curry, while still a good low-block scorer, can’t play in a D’Antoni system. His scoring would probably entice few other clubs some considering his contract isn’t that bad…but he also can’t rebound. Still, they should be able to ship him somewhere out West, where even non-contenders are going to have to start thinking about how to compete with the Lakers frontcourt, Yao and even a few more seasons of Duncan.

The real problem — per usual — will be Zach Randolph.

Nobody’s taking this guy – not at $47 million over the next four years anyway. So it looks like they’ll be stuck with him. That said and even with all the negatives understood, he can make 18-footers for days and he, even more than Curry can certainly score in the post. And it’s even possible he can even get up and down the floor a little bit if — a HUUUUGE if — he can be motivated.

Much like this sight, D’Antoni in New York will not be pretty.
But it will at least be an improvement and bring hope back to MSG.

Nobody is going to mistake the Knicks upcoming season for the concerto of offense that D’Antoni and Nash orchestrated in Arizona, and those who thought Phoenix’s defense was pourous are about to see a whole new meaning of “soft interior”…but if they can package Curry and Lee or maybe Balkman and Stephon’s expiring, they could probably find another piece or two that can be part of the solution.

Anyone hoping for a big one-year turnaround is certainly deluding themselves, but this was a great move for New York. Kudos to Donnie Walsh and even if they are stillstruggling to make the East Playoffs come next April, at least those New Yorkers paying top-dollar for MSG tickets will have something entertaining to watch.

It might still be ugly, but watching your team lose a 124-116 shootout is at least a little better than showing up only in hopes that you might find out what exactly it is that Stephon knows about Isiah.

This video of Clyde Drexler’s most memorable dunks made the rounds on Fanhouse and Truehoop last week.

It’s worth checking out, as Glide’s tragic underratedness seems to grow by the day.

And more importantly, it rekindles the greatest debate in the history of the National Basketball Association:

Which inexplicable commitment to an improper hairstyle was most hilarious?

(A) Clyde’s refusal to shave his head while humorously balding for a solid four years

(B) Shane Battier’s refusal to stop shaving his head while humorously having a genetic scalp disorder

(C) all of the above

I’m going with B, as Drexler clearly resisted the shaved dome look solely because it was his arch-nemesis’ signature style.

I honestly have no idea how I missed this. I feel duped. Seriously, how do nearly four years go by without a single friend of mine forwarding this to me? You’re all on notice.

What I’m referring to is notorious asshole and LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s disposition about getting down with a hooker, which was first leaked by The Smoking Gun in August 2004.

Well, for all of those underpriviledged citizens such as I who somehow missed out on all this greatness at the time, here’s a mini re-cap (although I also suggest reading through all the select passages on Smoking Gun).

Frankly, I’m not even sure of the exact circumstances surrounding this whole thing, but apparently the first mainstream story was titled “NBA Owner Pays to Play” and for some reason, many of the questions center around whether he was just paying a trick to bust a nut, or whether he was actually in a “relationship” with her.

So, am I supposed to hate this guy or love him?

And apparently, the attorney questioning him wanted to know why he used such nice terms of endearment if she was only a prostitute. Well?

Q: Did you refer to her as honey on many occasions?

A: I call everybody. Every secretary is honey. I’m a flowery man. If you are having sex with a woman you are paying for, you always call her honey because you can’t remember her name.

Sounds logical enough.

Let’s hear some more.

A: When a girl seduces me and tells me all of these hot stories and dirty things and tells me how much she wants to suck on me and takes my shoes off and licks my feet and touches me. When I’m in a limousine and she takes [off] all her clothes. The limo driver said, “What is going on?” And she started sucking me on the way to Mr. Koon’s house. And I thank her. I thank her for making me feel good.

Q: Sir, the question was “Is this your handwriting?”

Sure, a simple “yes” or “no” would have been sufficient for most, but Donald Sterling is committed to telling the public the truth here. Being over-explanatory isn’t a crime is it? Oh, it is? My bad.

But one thing I’m still curious about, Mr. Sterling, is how was she?

A: The girl was providing sex for money. She was exciting. It was exciting. I have to tell you, and it was good. And it was delicious, and it was the best of the best. And maybe I morally did something wrong, but I didn’t…

That does sound exciting. How about another question?

Q: Did you tell your wife that?

A: I don’t know if I told my…I probably didn’t tell my wife that. Would anybody tell their wife that?

Again, it’s hard to dispute the man’s logic.

Q: And [you wrote] “I adore you more than words could express.”

A: Her best sex was better than words could express.

That does sound good. But exactly how good?

A: She was the best of the best…The best sex that anybody ever had.

The “best sex anybody ever had?” That’s a lofty claim, sir. Can you elaborate?

A: And she said, “Boy, you are going to have the best time that you ever had in your life. And then she just walked over to the bed. She lied there. Spread her legs out. And it was the most incredible sight. It was exciting, and it was stimulating.

Q: So you didn’t forget about that particular experience?

A: A man doesn’t forget about it because I never had an experience when I opened the door in a hotel room and the girl was standing there stark nude, you know, with her hands up in the air. You know, “Boy, am I waiting for you.”

Once again, you certainly can’t fault Sterling for his logic.

But still, we wonder, is she just a whore or did you have a legitimate relationship with this woman and want to have a family with her?

A: I wouldn’t have a child and certainly not with that piece of trash. Come on. This girl is the lowest form. Wait until the man testify as to…she is a freak. A total freak.

Q: Now when was it you became aware of the opinion that she is the woman of the lowest form? When was that?

A: Well, I will tell you. When a woman excites you, sometimes that part of your body that controls your mind. I knew from the day she came in that she was a total freak and a piece of trash. How did I know? The girl immediately told me she lived eight months with Mike Tyson. Not only she lived with him — he may be a fine gentleman — but the circumstances how she was “screened.” Before she could be with [Iron Mike], she had to screw this man and her girlfriend had to screw this man. And in screwing him, he had to decide — this man — whether she was a “qualified person” to meet Mike Tyson. So she gave it everything she could. She told me about each and every move — everything she did with “the screener.”

The defense rests.

Just for full-disclosure’s sake, my man-crush on Chris Paul is already teatering on restraining order status.

But I haven’t really written about him because, really, what is there to say that hasn’t already been said?

He’s just flat-out ridiculous. As impressive as Tony Parker’s grit and quickness is out there, CP3 just looks like he’s playing a different sport from everyone else. He does things that no else is capable of doing with an ease that is simply mystifying.

He can do anything with a basketball and is in almost always in complete control. The kid freezes defenders not just with quickness (despite his abundance of it) but more so with a subtle, Barry Sanders-esque, stop-and-go stutter in his motion that literally leaves his opponent guessing at what his next action will be like they’re a World Cup goalie in a shoot-out. Sure, occassionaly they pick right and he doesn’t score  or dish to an wide-open teamate at will…but overwhelmingly, the defender is just helpless.

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What a comeback by the Lakers in the last three minutes of regulation.

Big, big things out of Lamar Odom late. And all game, frankly.

It’s also kind of funny that all those people chastising LeBron for missing clutch lay-ups who used the “Kobe Bryant doesn’t miss that shot” argument should probably just stop talking for a while…maybe sit the next couple plays out.

Notable OT happenings:

• Kyle Elliot Korver picking up an offensive foul for throwing elbows 40 feet from the basket.
• An injured Kobe being yelled at to “Run the offense” by the Zen Master.
• Okur sticking a patented Okur dagger.
• Gasol with a sick post move to the other side of the hoop only to blow the dunk.
• Boozer mishandling a pass and turning it over with 3:00 minutes left as Utah is trying to go up four.
• Okur sticking a patented Okur dagger again (and again with his oafish toes on the line).
• Ivan Drago smacking a Kobe lay-up attempt into the 5th row.
• Gasol responding by blocking a weak Boozer post move attempt into the stands.
• Kobe breaking AK-47 down off the bounce to (surprisingly) score LA’s first FG of the OT with 1:20 left.
• Korver missing a fadaway three (that Kaleb thought was going in) but Okur grabbing the offensive board.
• Deron resetting after said offensive board and neglecting to pass to a struggling Boozer in a pick-and-roll, and instead finding a cutting Kirlenko who reverses the lay-up and dunks on Lamar’s head — plus the foul.
• Kobe finding a lane off the dribble, but again missing a lay-up. Shockingly, he thought he was fouled.
• Kyle drilling two free throws to ice it.
• Or wait…Kobe getting fouled shooting a three with 24.5 seconds left. Swish. Swish. Rattles in the third. LA now only down four.
• Deron going two-for-two from the line. Up six. Lamar dunking. K.E.K swishing two more free throws.
• Yeah. It’s over.

Great game. Series tied 2-2.

Now, let’s take it back to Los Angeles.

And more importantly…Your overtime heroes, ladies and gentlemen:

…just happened.

Ronnie Price just made Luke Walton look absolutely foolish.

Not as foolish as below, but pretty foolish nonetheless.

Maybe throw it down big fella next time, Junior.

“Hey dad.”

Am I the only one who thinks it’s spectacular that, for all the JKidd and Shaq hoopla, the Kyle Korver deal has turned out to be the second most important trade made this winter (after Gasol, of course)?

K.E.K. (the same initials shared by all four Korver boys…and supposedly all his cousins on the Korver side) just drilled two big shots from distance. He’s also the best free-throw shooter on a really good free-throw shooting team, which makes the Jazz one of the best closing teams in the NBA.

And no, it’s not just cause they have a lot of white guys, you racist.

Additionally, if you haven’t yet seen this interview, it’s worth 4:33 of your time. Not even Ricky Gervais or Ben Stiller could make this thing more awkward.

I’m not sure how they got teams to agree to it nor am I sure why ESPN even wanted to do it, but the fact that they’ve started showing select locker room half-time speeches is fantastic.

Case in point: Jerry Sloan talking about not being able to win by just shooting three pointers.

ESPN’s coverage jumped in onthe speech mid-way through and only showed a few seconds, so I’m not even really sure what he was talking about. But that’s the thing: I don’t think anyone in that locker room really knew what Sloan’s monotone, drawl-fueled monologue was about either.

And I don’t think it mattered.

Basically, I think every Jerry Sloan pep talk has the same effect as Tommy Lee Jones’ final monologue in No Country for Old Men: Everyone sits there listening intently, but in reality has no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Not wanting to appear dumb, however, they all just assume it was some profoundly meaningful sage wisdom from an old wily cowboy who demands their respect.

Genius, friendo.