Contrary to popular belief, this site has actually existed in one form or another since way back in 2006.
The first thing I ever wrote here was about how much I enjoyed watching Dwyane Wade even though, at the time, him and Shaq were facing an 0-2 deficit in the Finals against the Dallas Mavericks. Needless to say, I was one of the few people outside of Miami who actually was happy to see the Heat come back an win about a week later, even if that title will always be tarnished by the outcry over the officiating in the series. (Some of the rationale is explained in #14 here.)
As I recall, I wrote maybe two or three other pieces for the site that following summer and eventually ramped it up to a around one column per week during the 2006-2007 season. Then right in the midst of the Playoffs when I was starting to figure out how to do actually do this stuff a little bit, the server hosting my site crashed and I essentially lost everything I had ever done. Fortunately, most of it was centered around either poorly written jibberish, horrible predictions or boldly stated claims that were clearly wrong. So in some ways, that server crash has rid allowed me to forgo walking around with the scarlet letter of shame that a searchable archive of garbage represents. Unfortunately, however, there were a few things from that era that I wish I still had.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, through the wonders of the “Wayback Machine,” I was just able to find a few of my old posts. And by some stroke of random luck, all three of posts I actually recall being fond of were recoverable. Thus, I figured I may as well put these “Lost Tapes” up over the next few days to (a) get them back into my archives, and (b) give those of you who have had enough NBA Draft speculation something else to read amid your never-ending endeavor to pilfer a paycheck from your employer.
Here’s the first recovered piece in it’s entirety below under it’s original title: “The 50 Greatest NBA Nicknames.”
Essentially, compiling all these and deciding on my favorites as I went along was the genesis of the ongoing Both Teams Played Hard “Every NBA Nickname Project,” which, even if still woefully incomplete, has been somewhat of a fan favorite around these parts. This list was originally posted on March 10, 2007, and I’m just going to leave it as it was originally put together, so forgive the exclusion of any newer, more amazing nicknames like Bad Porn and The Rooster that would clearly make the 2009 version.
Without any extra ado, let’s take it back to the future.
The 50 Greatest NBA Nicknames (circa 3/10/07)
50. Grandmama – Larry Johnson
Best cross-dresser in League history.
49. The Mailman – Karl Malone
Rain, sleet or snow, this guy will be really good until the fourth quarter.
48. Reignman – Shawn Kemp
Good to see that there will plenty of heirs to continue the Kemp Reign.
47. Big Game James – James Worthy
Fun with rhyming.
46. Junk Yard Dog – Jerome Williams
Wrestler turned NBA journey-man turned terrible sideline reporter.
45. The Matrix – Shawn Marion
And if you’ve heard him talk, he’s also about as well-spoken as Keanu.
44. Dunkin Dutchman – Rik Smits
Unequivocally the best nickname ever given to a 7′4″ player from The Netherlands.
43. Wife Beater – Jason Kidd
Okay, maybe this one only caught on in Boston. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Massholes break it out at again for his Hall of Fame induction in Springfield though.
* 2009 UPDATE: Hard to believe I included this one. I don’t recall being so vitriolic was I at 26. I’ve always really liked Jason the player, too.
42. Thunder Dan – Dan Marjele
I’m convinced that the only shots this guy ever made were vicious dunks or dagger threes.
41. The Glove – Gary Payton
He’s become more of a “Wet Mitten” at this point, but GP was about as good as defenders come back in Seattle.
40. White Chocolate – Jason Williams
The WHIT EBOY, not the limo-driver murderer or the motorcycle-crasher.
39. Kenny The Jet – Kenny Smith
Not sure I ever knew about this one until after Ernie Johnson said it 20 times a night for 10 years.
38. Half Man, Half A Season – Vince Carter
This pretty much ties a neat little bow on the over-hyped turd-sandwich of disappointment that has been Vince Carter’s career.
37. The Big Chamberneezy – Shaquille O’Neal
Frankly, I’ll call you what ever you want, Mr. Shaq Fu De La Diesel von Aristotle.
36. The Truth – Paul Pierce
Insert your preferred Jack Nicholson reference here.
35. The Logo – Jerry West
All-time silhouette of the League. Current terrible GM of the Grizzlies.
34. Kobe Stopper – Ruben Patterson
How’s that working out for you, Ruben?
33. Flash – Dwyane Wade
Another Shaq creation.
32. The Dream – Hakeem Olajuwon
More fun with rhyming.
31. The Mayor – Fred Hoiberg
Best three-point specialist to ever run a city.
30. Birdman – Chris Anderson
Fly in any weather.
29. Irk – Dirk Nowitzki
As we all know, there’s no D in Dirk.
28. Round Mound of Rebound – Charles Barkley
He’s round. He’s a mound. He rebounds. Get it?
27. Skywalker – David Thompson
This was good even without factoring in the double entendre of him being high all the damn time.
26. Tractor Traylor – Robert Traylor
Fat guys are hilarious.
25. Air Jordan – Michael Jordan
Not sure who this guy is, but it’s still a cool name.
24. The Custodian – Brian Cardinal
Funny part is that he looks even less like an NBA player than my actual high school janitor.
23. Iceman – George Gervin
One thing he could do was finger roll.
22. Hick From French Lick – Larry Bird
The only thing better than that wispy blond mustache was that blond mullet perm.
21. Pistol – Pete Maravich
This alliteration is approved by the cold, dead hands of the NRA.
20. The Answer – Allen Iverson
If he’s the answer, what was the question? What is how can we as Reebok marketing execs steal $100 from children in exchange for some poorly made shoes, Alex?
19. Earl the Pearl – Earl Washington
How many times a month do you think Walt Clyde Frazier sits in his hotel room at night quietly weeping because he wasn’t the one to get the rhyming nickname? I say four.
18. Mamba – Kobe Bryant
Generally, people are not allowed to give themselves nicknames. But that all goes out the window when a guy tries to convince people to call him something so ridiculous that everyone’s response is “You want us to call you what? Seriously? Ummm…..okay.”
17. The Mustache – Adam Morrison
Better than “The Sobbing Crybaby,” I suppose.
16. Vin & Tonic – Vin Baker
Don’t think ill of me…I didn’t make it up. I just happen to think it’s fantastic.
15. Groundhog Day – Tim Duncan
You ever watch Timmy and get the feeling you’ve seen this happen before? You ever watch Timmy and get the feeling you’ve seen this happen before? You ever watch Timmy and get the feeling you’ve seen this happen before?
14. Chocolate Thunder – Darryl Dawkins
Anyone that names one of his dunks “The Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Glass-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Babies-Crying, Glass-Still-Flying, Cats-Crying, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Thank You-Wham-Bam-I-Am-Jam” is a-okay in my book.
13. AK-47 – Andrei Kirilenko
When A) these are your initials, B) you choose to wear the number 47, and C) you look like the love child of Ivan Drago and Brigitte Nielson, you’re basically begging to be named after a Kalashnikov assault rifle.
12. Dr. J – Julius Erving
I wish my doctor was all about dunking and afro growing. But, nope, just turning and coughing.
11. Clyde – Walt Frazier
This guy was such a pimp that they had to go all the way back to Clyde Barrow to find an equivalent.
10. Hibachi and/or Agent Zero – Gilbert Arenas
Take your pick. Honestly, I’d probably put just about anything he called himself on this list.
*2009 UPDATE: The demise of Hibachi has been maybe the saddest story of the past couple years. Come back, dude.
9. Dr. Dunkenstein – Darrell Griffith
I really don’t know much about this guy. With a name like that, you really don’t have to though.
8. The Alaskan Assassin – Trajan Langdon
He was in the NBA for a couple of weeks. I’m counting it.
7. The Chief – Robert Parish
Good nickname for anyone. Great nickname for a guy that smoked weed at halftime.
6. The Rifleman – Chuck Person
When you’re one of the best three-point marksmen of all time and you’re named after a fictional Civil War veteran who’s known for keeping the peace in a small Texas town in the 1880s with a self-modified, rapid-trigger Winchester rifle, you pretty much redefine gangster.
5. Plastic Man – Stacey Augman
Is he a super hero? Is he an evil villain? Why was he made out of plastic? What super powers does this give him? I have so many questions.
4. The Boston Strangler – Andrew Toney
Either this is the guy that used to eat up the Celtics in the Playoffs, or this is the guy that raped and asphyxiated 11 women in the Sixties.
3. The Microwave – Vinnie Johnson
Instant offense off the bench, Vinnie was liable to heat up and stick twelve straight shots if he made the first one. He could also reportedly cook popcorn in two and a half minutes.
* 2009 UPDATE: Is there a form I can fill out to apologize for this “joke” retroactively?
2. Human Highlight Film – Dominique Wilkins
More windmills than Don Quixote.
1. The Enormous Mormon – Shawn Bradley
Perfectly descriptive. Partially rhyming. Probably offensive. But seriously, what more could you ask for from the all-time NBA leader in “times dunked on while flailing arms like octopi”?
